One Less Friend

One acquaintance came out of the woodwork recently due to a tragic news we received (story for another time) and we started chatting for quite a bit yesterday.

Our chat topics ranges from the person involved in the tragic news, to ourselves and to some other friends/acquaintances we knew but have not heard of or from for years. It was during this last bit that she revealed about how she was cut off entirely from this one friend’s life without warning. All contacts and ties were just cut off as if she never existed.

And this was exactly what happened to me in recent weeks. Anime Gal (henceforth known as AG) and I met through our mutual friend, Mr Property when I graduated from Australia and came back to Malaysia looking for a job. I remained in Penang whilst job hunting in KL but as there were not much hits back then on my resume, I had a lot of free time to just chill and hang out with Mr Property, someone whom I’ve known since I was 15/16. AG was a colleague of Mr Property then and a year younger than me, hence it didn’t take long for us to click. Even so, we were not very close, just friendly enough for me to upgrade her to a generally good friend status.

We didn’t keep in touch much when I finally found a job in KL. The few met ups happened whenever I’m back in Penang or if she happens to come down to KL for a short holiday. A few years later, she and her then bf decided to move down to KL to work instead. I guess she was hoping that I’d be her support system when she comes down to KL but my work back then prevented me from doing that too often. I was a workaholic after all and know no day or night.

I saw her through the break up with her bf, saw her move on with another man and saw her married this same new man in the last few years. Admittedly, I wasn’t there much for her as a friend but whenever she needed someone to talk to or vent, I tried to be available as much as possible, at least through messaging apps even though I can’t physically be there much. We went for a trip together once (short trip to Melaka) and for her wedding in KL, I was even asked to be her bridesmaid (one and only bridesmaid in KL).

Honestly though, as much as I like her, I have always only been able to take her in small doses. I never thought much about it all until she cut me off without warning recently. I realised that my subconscious mind finds her self-entitled, bossy and immature most times. Which is why the only way I know to cope with her is to take her in small doses.

Those who are in constant touch with me via messages know how 2018 is a crazy year for me. There were company Sales convention trips, there were many weekend trips to Ipoh and Penang for friends’ wedding, CNY, family events and then there’s my Mum, who was in KL on-off for 2 months plus. The last 6 months had me navigating life in a dreamlike state cause I’m always tired and sorely missing my “me” time. Falling sick for long periods of time in the last 6 months didn’t help either. Whatever little time I have, I desperately spend on “me” time. I need to recharge. I needed to be the upbeat me again. I need to be able to function normally.

And so, I haven’t met AG from CNY until now. I’m just tired. Period. I didn’t want to listen to negative things which I know will come from her as she will rant about work and the people working with her. I’m not saying she can’t rant in front of me at all. It’s her life, it’s her right. But when one is operating on spare energy most of the time in the last 6 months, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me not wanting to absorb negativity on the spare time I have. I really rather be a potato couch in front of the tv, read as much as I can or just sleep to recharge my energy whenever possible.

I’ve turned down meeting AG, her husband and even Mr Property when he’s town several times in the last few months. The last time she asked me out, was just several weeks ago. She forwarded a shopping notice and asked if I wanted to check it out. I turned her down nicely, even explained that I recently went on a shopping spree so should be restraining from spending more money from now onwards. She replied, “K”, and promptly cut me off from her life after that. She deleted me from FaceBook, unfollowed me in Instagram and possibly block my number from her phone too (though I never bothered to try if she actually blocked my number).

I managed to see her last post on FaceBook after she replied “K” before she cut me off. Something along the lines of she having enough, she’s sick of trying, and she doesn’t want to keep in touch anymore. She also tried justifying herself, saying why she needs to bother to understand people when people should be trying to understand her instead. The last bit had me thinking what a self-entitled brat she is. When I finally discovered that she had cut me off just like that without bothering to understand what’s going on in my life, I feel hurt. Of course I feel hurt cause I treated her as a good friend, despite not seeing her much. But later on, I was thinking, “good riddance”.

See, she thinks she’s a very nice and good friend but there were many instances where her selfish and self-entitled traits shined through more than her good qualities. I’ve never minded much back then cause friends take each other’s good and bad together, right? Clearly, I was wrong. She just couldn’t take my bad bits, which is not staying in touch much. From her actions, it’s crystal clear to me that being friends for her means having to meet up as often as possible over coffee or a meal, even if one is sick and broke. Obviously all this is an exception for her. When AG is sick or broke, other people get a free pass from meeting up.

Meeting up of course will be an ideal situation in any form of friendship. But each individual’s life changes and there will be times that we are all so busy charting our lives to the point where our free time do not overlap until after a long period of time. I’m happy to say that some friends whom I considered as good friends too are understanding and mature about our friendship. That we all have different lives, different things and just simply do not have the time to keep in touch, much less meet up. The messages we dropped each other once in a blue moon are enough to keep our friendship alive until time permits for us to meet up properly and catch up for good.

After some hard thinking, I’ve concluded that my life will not be for worse without her friendship. In the end, it’s her loss, not mine.

Learning to Chill

I have always been a bit of a perfectionist at work, which thankfully does not spill over too much to my personal life. Mr Producer has said countless times that he cannot believe that a person like me at work can be a headless chicken and bimbotic at times cause I’m a lot more chill and slack when it comes to things at home.

I did not turn out to be a perfectionist at work by choice. Circumstances and a handful of demanding (some close to psychotic) ex-bosses made me the way I am at work these days. You see, I’ve always been in the creative line of work ever since I graduated from Uni. It could be PR, production, advertising…you name it. I’ve dipped a toe in each slice of pie from within the same industries in my entire working life. Working with these demanding and creative people had taught me to adapt, picked up necessary skills to be good in what I do.

I can’t draw or design to save my life. How then could I be in the creative line, right? That was the exact same thing I said when a fortune teller told me that I’m meant to be in the creative line. I think my look of derision and disbelief said it all when she utter that sentence. Many moons after, with at least 10 years of work experience under my belt, I have come to believe she is right. I may not be able to draw or design, but my ability to spot design flaws, off-margins and offer general critique (or feedback for a less harsher word) with references on what I look for or expect, all comes from the back of being a perfectionist in my past works. Think having to constantly stay on your toes and check, double check, triple check your work before showing your boss and cringe with fear when she spots a minor mistake. Minor mistake, mind you, not even a major mistake that will cause the client(s) millions of money. A minor mistake that a lesser being would have missed out on and would happily approved, but not a creative genius of a demi-god that expects things to be 101% perfect at all times.

I’ve been shouted at, had things thrown my way, and suffer mental and verbal abuse many times by these ex-bosses. I was told by a little Napoleon that I am useless and not a cent worth of whatever pittance they paid me. I have broken down several times before, even taken a sabbatical to do nothing, just to get better. And when I was diagnosed with mild depression, I had the very same people telling me to learn to “switch it off”. When I resigned for not being able to take the abuse anymore, I was told that I am a failure for giving up.

The 10 years’ worth of experience had turned me into a gancheong spider perfectionist at work. I’m always tense, I demand perfection from my team, and I expected them to always ask how high when I said jump. I have all these expectations of my team now that I’m at a supervisory role because I was exactly that – I fear the backlash of not replying immediately to a text message or being accused of lazy. I have no leisure to keep my phone away for a few hours or for the rest of the night, to then reply “Oops, sorry. Just saw your message now” or even better, not reply at all although the other side could see the double blue tick showing that you have read it.

Each time my team doesn’t perform to my expectations, I gripe. I gripe, and turn sour grapes and frankly, all these negativity is really weighing me down. I’m trying to learn to relax, to chill, and let small little things like these to not weight me down at all. It’s all easier said than done. I don’t want to be like any of my ex-bosses work-personality wise cause they’re truly despicable people that you do not want to wish upon your enemy. They’re nice people outside of work, but hell to deal with when work is thrown into the mix. So yes, I really do not want to be like them. Not even an ounce.

Mr Producer pointed out that he doesn’t realise how much negativity I’ve been bottling up inside of me all these while until my recent angry outburst after a night of alcoholic debauchery. Frankly, I’m suprised myself too. I didn’t realise how unhappy or negative my subconscious was until that night.

Anyway, the whole point of this verbal diarrhea was sparked off by this annoying, griping feeling I have of my exec who have left work for the day but choose not to read a message I sent to remind her of something important she needed to do first thing tomorrow morning. That started a whole trigger of memories in my head about how I was never allowed to do what she’s doing and I begin to question why I let her get away with it in the first place.

Conclusion is, I need to learn to chill. And not be picky of small little things such as these cause it’s not like they don’t deliver at work. Could they be more careful and take pride in their work more? Sure. But the lack of it doesn’t translate to the end of the world after all.

If you have gotten this far, congrats and thank you, for reading this bit of nonsense.

 

Gratitude #1

I used to post my gratitudes in a website which I discovered after Fluffball introduced it to me. Haven’t been posting there in a while and I can’t be bothered to find out what my password is. Instead, maybe it’s time I use this blog to begin charting down things that I am grateful for. 

And first in the list…

I am grateful that I do not have dengue.

I’ve been having fever on and off for almost a week and the stubborn gene in me had refused to see a doctor about it. Until Mr Producer and some colleagues got really concerned about the fever coming and going. Mr Producer started insisting that I get a blood test done and after feeling especially lousy at work yesterday, I finally forced myself to the Doc to get myself checked out. 

Did the blood test and yay, my platelets level is fine but my white blood cell (WBC) are especially high. Doc concluded that I have a bacteria infection which explains the on and off fever. With the prescription of the mother of antibiotics (according to Mr Producer), I’ve been given the rest of yesterday and today off.

 

Love luck

My love life seemed to be quite busy since the end of last year up until now. It’s only been more or less 6-8 months since I got off the 2 years draught but I seemed to be jumping from one relationship to another in a somewhat quick succession without truly realising it until this very minute.

Funnily enough (or not), every single one of those relationships were unplanned and unexpected. Although things ended quickly and badly with The Boy and Mr Blast from the Past, it felt like The Universe was trying to tell me that there’s still a glimmer of hope in relationship for me as long as I keep being myself instead of trying too hard to be someone I’m not, that as long as I don’t go looking for someone to be a part of my life too much, they’ll find their way somehow.

Things were unexpected with Mr Producer. We’ve been drinking buddies for a year and in that year, we’ve pretty much told each other about our own disastrous love lives. I mean, I’ve even met his ex gf (then gf) before although I get the sense that she might have seen me as a threat. Haha!

On top of that, I went MIA from the social drinking world when I was battling with the big D for about 2 months. There were just too many things on my mind that I needed to dealt with, all I wanted was to wallow in a big black hole during that 2 months. Mr Producer was the one from that world who begun gently knocking on my door without knowing I was going through. I was gently coaxed out of the hole and when we were having our post-drinking supper the first time I went out after 2 months, I told him what I was going through. He never once judged me but was concerned instead. He comforted and advised me instead. It was a nice change after being condemned and told that it’s all in my head and there’s no such thing as the big D.

We started hanging out again after that night. We saw each other at least once a week, sometimes even during weekends. We’ve evolved from drinking buddies to become even dinner AND drinking buddies. Little do I know that we were both actually subconsciously attracted to each other.

Long story short, after weeks of mix signals, he finally told me last week that he really likes me and would like to give us a try. I had my misgivings and after a long talk about it including our expectations and what we like and dislike in relationships, we are trying it out.

It’s early stages but I like what we have now. Or how we’re trying to adapt. Haha!

Take last night for instance. He had arranged to have dinner with his friends and wanted me to join them too. I told him to go ahead with the dinner without me as their dinner will most probably be over when I arrived at the venue anyway. Instead of proceeding, he pushed back the dinner time instead so that I can join them. I can’t remember the last time a guy I went out with will do such a thing for me.

Come to think of it, he tries hard to have dinner with me every night. Even during the nights that he has badminton, he’ll ask if I can make it for dinner with him before his session starts. I guess that is his way of building a relationship and ensuring that there’s quality time.

So…

I guess time will tell if this will stay afloat or sink. Whatever it is, it’s a nice change to be treated the way he did with me the past week.

An apology

3 weeks ago, I received messages on Whatsapp from The Boy. The messages were sent in the middle of the night.

I was asleep when the messages came in. With one eye opened, I saw who it was, left the messages unopened and went back to sleep. Whatever messages from him, can be dealt with the next day when I get to the office.

The next day, I finally read the messages from The Boy while I was waiting for the lift at my apartment.

Hey…I’m really sorry

I screwed up and hurt you…

And I’m really sorry

Don’t mean to

I was tempted to reply and ask him if he was drunk when he sent me those messages but decided against it. I didn’t want to give him an opportunity to start a conversation with him. What I did however, was to take a screen shot of the message on my phone and sent it to Fluffball and Salope.

Fluffball’s opinion was that he has finally grown a pair and his conscience must be eating him up, hence the apology.

Salope and YE (I told her what happened over Gtalk) both think that things did not work out with his ex, hence it’s his way of trying to worm his way back into my life.

My opinion? It’s a combination of what Fluffball, Salope and YE thought. Things did not work out with his ex which prompted him to grow a pair and try to “properly” apologise to me. All 3 were very vocal and insistent that I do not reply his messages or if do, that I do not take him back.

I was tickled by their reaction and felt touched at the same time. The 3 of them have not met each other before and are so different from one another in terms of character. But the one thing they have in common is their fierce friendship and support towards me. For that, I’m ever so grateful and thankful for friends like them.

At the end of the day, I didn’t bother to reply The Boy’s messages. Neither did he try to contact me again. I guess he got the message that I have no intentions of keeping the friendship at this moment.

Protected: A sentimental fool

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Blast from the past

Who would have thought that a blast from the past would create such unexpected result?

While I was nursing my bruised heart and ego over the Christmas and New Year’s holiday, an unexpected message popped up on my Facebook  messenger on Boxing Day from someone I knew back in school. After quite a bit of back and forth messaging between the two of us where I confirmed with him that yes, I have indeed been in KL all these years, he suggested that we catch up for coffee one day.

The one day turned out to be 2 days later after he first messaged me. It was good catching up with him and definitely nice to see him again after almost a decade. We caught up on a lot stuff – our own lives, our respective disastrous love lives, our work, our mutual friends and everything in between. It was one of the best outings I had in a long while filled with nothing but laughter.

When we left the cafe that day, we both agreed that we should meet again soon instead of waiting another 10 years to see each other. After he dropped me off at home, I went about minding my own business without another thought on our outing. Until he messaged me in the evening and asked me out for dinner and movie the very next day.

Once again, I didn’t think much about the dinner and movie invitation from him. While the first thought, “Wow, so soon?”, flashed through my head, I really did think that it was just another outing with a friend whom I haven’t seen in a really long time. I said yes without any hesitation and so, we went out again the very next day.

Dinner was good and once again, lots of laughter peppered throughout our conversation. As we make our way into the cinema for our movie, a statement he said made me go, “Hmmm…could it be?” He told me that he was actually feeling nervous leading up to seeing me that day and that he was still feeling nervous around me that time. I was wondering why he would be feeling nervous and got my answer when we proceed to supper after movie.

Apparently, he used to have a crush on me back in school and after our meet up the previous day, he felt stirrings in his heart which he has not felt in many, many years.

According to him, he cannot believe that I’m single now as he had always thought that I’d be happily married with kids. In his mind, I’ve always been a gem and it would be a loss for any guy to let me go. While I have my doubts about how sincere he could be, it felt nice to have my ego stroke too. =P

His disbelief aside and the fact that he used to have a crush on me and may still feel the remnants of it now, I actually had another good time going out with him. We parted, once again, with nothing but good feelings. Without any plans made to see each other next, who would have thought that we met up another 4-5 times the following week?

He pretty much declared that week that he’s courting me (who still uses the word “court” in this modern times anyway?) and though I have my reservations, I find myself growing fonder of him with every minute spent with him. Of course he got more plus points for being so sweet and gentleman towards me each time we go out. In fact, I haven’t been treated the way he treated me with other guys that were trying to “court” me in the past couple of years. I felt good about myself in a way that I haven’t felt for far too long.

I know things ended with The Boy not too long ago and whatever that is going on with this old friend of mine may be too soon, but I’m enjoying the attention for now while taking things slow and easy with him. Only time will tell if anything more transpires out of us seeing each other. Until then, what unexpected result from a blast from the past eh?

Rebound or Second Choice?

It’s been exactly 2 months ago when I wrote about The Boy. What was supposed to be a happy thing deteriorated quickly into misery and heartache. At least this time around, it took me a shorter time to confront the problem instead of letting it dragged on for weeks and months. It’s only been less than 4 months but damn, who would have thought that the heart would break and ache so much!

The positive side of the whole episode was acknowledging the fact that I’ve grown up. Not much but I’ve learned my lessons from the past. I was sick and tired of being treated like a doormat and managed to wrangled the truth out of The Boy.

I was right about the possibility of jinxing the whole relationship in that 2 month old post. It was jinxed from Day 1. Not by me but by The Boy.

After 2 years of casual dating and meeting all sorts of Mr Wrong, The Boy came along and made me think that he is Mr Maybe. He was the first person in that 2 years who made me decide to throw caution to the wind and take a plunge at giving us a try. I had my doubts and was careful at the beginning but after getting lectured by The Wookie endlessly bout not waiting for the shoe to drop and just go with the flow, I decided to let down my defenses and go with the flow. I was happy – truly happy. A feeling that I haven’t felt and experienced for a really long time. But the happy feeling was shortlived.

After weeks and months of dithering (a word I learned from Fluffball), The Boy finally admitted two nights ago that he still loves his ex and that the both of them are going to try to patch things up and make their relationship work again. Oh, the best part? His ex doesn’t know I existed or that he’s been seeing someone else in the last couple of months!

I was surprised at how calm I was the entire time, even when I was grilling him for all sorts of answers. The calmness eventually gave way to sadness, hurt and finally, anger. I was angry that he was dishonest with me from Day 1; angry that I was treated like garbage; but most of all, angry that I was a rebound or worse, second choice.

I’ve experienced the feeling of being second choice before, or rather, the experience of being an option. It comes with the territory of dating a married man. After that particular experience, I told myself never again. That was when The Boy appeared. Who would have thought that The Boy could make me feel the same way again?

I pointed out the bare facts to The Boy after his revelation:

• He was the one who pursued me relentlessly
• He was the one who started addressing me as his gf first. I wouldn’t have given it much thought otherwise
• He had broken a huge promise that he made to me – that he wouldn’t put me through this hurt and heartache again after the first time it happened (yes, you read right, he’s done this whole dithering before cause of his ex)

At that point in time, I’ve never felt so stupid in my whole entire life. And angry at myself. I believed him and trusted him again after the first time it happened. I should have been more careful and wary instead of being all naive. Despite all that, Fluffball pointed out that I should be proud of myself for the ability to allow myself to trust and be in a relationship again, no matter how shortlived it was. She said she doesn’t want me to turn into one of those women who constantly question every good thing that happened in their lives with tonnes of wariness and distrust as it is tiring to live our lives that way.

I know it’s better to find out the truth now than later. Saves us all the time wasted and deeper heartache when more feelings were spent on a relationship that was doomed from Day 1. Still, it hurts to be treated the way I was treated and it hurts deeply because he was the first person I allow into my heart with most of my defenses down. It’s not a nice feeling at all.

I was told that every break up is different because the journey of every relationship takes us a down a different path. No matter how short or long the relationship was, the time, effort and feelings invested in the individual relationships were different. I suppose that explains the occasional ache that pops up in the heart.

Despite the hurt The Boy had inflicted, I still miss him. I have to stop the urge to call or text him and stay sane. Regardless of all that’s going on in my head and heart, I’m quite proud of myself for the way I handled the situation and addressed the problem like a mature adult. It’s been 2 days since the break up and I’ve stopped crying since last night. In fact, when I was having drinks with Mr Producer last night and relating the whole story to him, I ended up laughing at some bits and pieces during the story-telling instead of crying!

A similar theme that I seemed to received from every single person I talked to was that The Boy is all that – still a boy. He couldn’t handle a woman and prefer going back to a girl. He’s an immature prick who doesn’t have the balls to do the right thing. In fact, I was told that he was most probably hoping that he could have both or even keep me on as the second choice in case things doesn’t work out again with his ex! Another similar theme that seem to resonate in everything that everybody told me was the confidence that all of them exude about him crawling back to me soon.

Whatever it is, knowing that you’re a rebound and second choice is not a nice thing at all. I hope I don’t turn out to be cynical when it comes to love.

WebRep

currentVote

noRating

noWeight

I miss writing

I miss writing. I do. Even though I’ve not written in a while or consistently, I miss how I used to have the ability to just write and write and write like there’s no tomorrow – writing diarrhea.

I miss how I used to have a way with words. I missed how I used to be able to express myself well through my writing. I miss the thrill of it all. I miss the feeling of knowing that some poor soul out there actually enjoyed reading what I wrote. Me, an anonymous person, a stranger that they’ve not met – yet they seemed to like what I wrote.

I miss writing down all the menial things that happen in my life. Or rather, my ability to make menial things sound remotely interesting at all. Yes, I miss all that.

Now, I seemed to struggle with words. I find it difficult to express myself through writing and God knows how many drafts I have on my dashboard. All written halfway without an ending, without a sense of direction. I feel lost. I feel miserable. I feel dead.

 

 

The Boy

It’s only been slightly over a month and I’d usually keep mum about the whole thing a while longer before telling anybody or sharing it anywhere over the Internet but somehow, what I do these days are different from what I would use to do. Cryptic? Hehe…that part will never change.

After staying single for more than 2 years, I’m finally dating someone exclusively and feeling happy about it. The Boy.

I hope I don’t jinx things by saying so but for once in a long, long time, I’m happy with the way things are and am just going with the flow. I’m not clingy and I like to think that my expectations are more realistic this time around. I’ve grown more mature as a person when it comes to relationship (that or I’m so used to being single) and do not feel the need to see The Boy everyday or every other day. There’s no strict rules about how many times we have to see each other a week and I like how spontaneous things are with us. We do not really plan ahead or set dates to see each other (except that once or twice) and most of the time, our plans are ad hoc.

Things are still fairly new between us and it’s too soon to judge on the direction we’re heading towards right now. Whatever happens though, I know I’m at a good place right now.

Having said that, I have a feeling that The Boy is not used to dating someone around his age and is more of an independent soul. I know he wanted to see me and spend time with me yesterday and today but work got in the way yesterday and I have plans later today that was made 2 weeks ago. This may well be the longest we’ve gone without seeing each other despite being in the same town since we started dating (my going outstation doesn’t count)!

Oh well, lots more to learn about each other and lots more for us to accept the good and bad of each other.