It’s been exactly 2 months ago when I wrote about The Boy. What was supposed to be a happy thing deteriorated quickly into misery and heartache. At least this time around, it took me a shorter time to confront the problem instead of letting it dragged on for weeks and months. It’s only been less than 4 months but damn, who would have thought that the heart would break and ache so much!
The positive side of the whole episode was acknowledging the fact that I’ve grown up. Not much but I’ve learned my lessons from the past. I was sick and tired of being treated like a doormat and managed to wrangled the truth out of The Boy.
I was right about the possibility of jinxing the whole relationship in that 2 month old post. It was jinxed from Day 1. Not by me but by The Boy.
After 2 years of casual dating and meeting all sorts of Mr Wrong, The Boy came along and made me think that he is Mr Maybe. He was the first person in that 2 years who made me decide to throw caution to the wind and take a plunge at giving us a try. I had my doubts and was careful at the beginning but after getting lectured by The Wookie endlessly bout not waiting for the shoe to drop and just go with the flow, I decided to let down my defenses and go with the flow. I was happy – truly happy. A feeling that I haven’t felt and experienced for a really long time. But the happy feeling was shortlived.
After weeks and months of dithering (a word I learned from Fluffball), The Boy finally admitted two nights ago that he still loves his ex and that the both of them are going to try to patch things up and make their relationship work again. Oh, the best part? His ex doesn’t know I existed or that he’s been seeing someone else in the last couple of months!
I was surprised at how calm I was the entire time, even when I was grilling him for all sorts of answers. The calmness eventually gave way to sadness, hurt and finally, anger. I was angry that he was dishonest with me from Day 1; angry that I was treated like garbage; but most of all, angry that I was a rebound or worse, second choice.
I’ve experienced the feeling of being second choice before, or rather, the experience of being an option. It comes with the territory of dating a married man. After that particular experience, I told myself never again. That was when The Boy appeared. Who would have thought that The Boy could make me feel the same way again?
I pointed out the bare facts to The Boy after his revelation:
- He was the one who pursued me relentlessly
- He was the one who started addressing me as his gf first. I wouldn’t have given it much thought otherwise
- He had broken a huge promise that he made to me – that he wouldn’t put me through this hurt and heartache again after the first time it happened (yes, you read right, he’s done this whole dithering before cause of his ex)
At that point in time, I’ve never felt so stupid in my whole entire life. And angry at myself. I believed him and trusted him again after the first time it happened. I should have been more careful and wary instead of being all naive. Despite all that, Fluffball pointed out that I should be proud of myself for the ability to allow myself to trust and be in a relationship again, no matter how shortlived it was. She said she doesn’t want me to turn into one of those women who constantly question every good thing that happened in their lives with tonnes of wariness and distrust as it is tiring to live our lives that way.
I know it’s better to find out the truth now than later. Saves us all the time wasted and deeper heartache when more feelings were spent on a relationship that was doomed from Day 1. Still, it hurts to be treated the way I was treated and it hurts deeply because he was the first person I allow into my heart with most of my defenses down. It’s not a nice feeling at all.
I was told that every break up is different because the journey of every relationship takes us a down a different path. No matter how short or long the relationship was, the time, effort and feelings invested in the individual relationships were different. I suppose that explains the occasional ache that pops up in the heart.
Despite the hurt The Boy had inflicted, I still miss him. I have to stop the urge to call or text him and stay sane. Regardless of all that’s going on in my head and heart, I’m quite proud of myself for the way I handled the situation and addressed the problem like a mature adult. It’s been 2 days since the break up and I’ve stopped crying since last night. In fact, when I was having drinks with Mr Producer last night and relating the whole story to him, I ended up laughing at some bits and pieces during the story-telling instead of crying!
A similar theme that I seemed to received from every single person I talked to was that The Boy is all that – still a boy. He couldn’t handle a woman and prefer going back to a girl. He’s an immature prick who doesn’t have the balls to do the right thing. In fact, I was told that he was most probably hoping that he could have both or even keep me on as the second choice in case things doesn’t work out again with his ex! Another similar theme that seem to resonate in everything that everybody told me was the confidence that all of them exude about him crawling back to me soon.
Whatever it is, knowing that you’re a rebound and second choice is not a nice thing at all. I hope I don’t turn out to be cynical when it comes to love.