Piggy’s Life

{January 1, 2008}   Lesson NOT learned

It’s funny how one goes through life.

After a bad break up, after a bad experience in life, we keep telling ourselves that we will not be repeating what we did in the past. We tell ourselves how we’ll do better the next time around, how things will only get better and better after a downtime low. We tell ourselves that we’ve learned our lessons, how we’ll be wiser when we’re facing the same situation again in the future.

But guess what? Despite ALL those things that we tell ourselves, we do not always listen to what we’ve promised ourselves to do. We end up REPEATING all the things we said we will NOT be doing again.

I know it’s a brand new year and it’s New Year’s today but I’m just gonna go ahead and be a wet  blanket here.

I find myself feeling feelings that I wished I’d never felt again after all those things I’ve been through. I find myself doing things that I promised I will not do again, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. I compromised waaaaaay too much and even though I do demand for certain things to go my way, I find myself compromising a lot to make the other happy.

I’ve done too much compromising in the past for the ones I love/d. It’s all about being more selfish now, about my own happiness, about what I want. Yet, at the end of the day, I change a part of myself for those I love.

I was looking forward to a great time ushering a brand new year in. However, at the end of the night, I ended up having a miserable time. Why? Because I compromised again to make someone happy. And with me being miserable, I affected the way that someone feels too when in the first place, he was happy.

Sometimes, I ask myself, “What the hell am I doing right now?” There are also times when I feel that I’m abnormal with the way my feelings and mind work. I’m repeating things I promised I wouldn’t because I’m in love and I just want to make someone happy. All by compromising a part of myself.

There were sooooo many times when I wished I could be cold and professional all the time. I wished I didn’t have feelings or compassion or empathy. Sometimes, I wished I was not even born human. I rather be a robot where feelings do not come in play. How weird is that?

Having feelings is what differentiates us from animals. When there are good feelings and one is happy, one will be on a constant high. But when one feel low, and I mean extremely low, one would probably feel that things in life will not be going up anymore, which is in my case most times.

At the end of the day, despite all that I try to do to prevent myself from repeating past mistakes, I find myself not learning anything in my past to improve my life now. I’m very close to repeating what I do in relationships and I’m so scared of hurting not only myself, but also the other party.


Greg says:

Hey Grace,

It’s funny how this seems to be the case sometimes. I’ve felt it often myself. Sometimes what helps me though is not the absolute rejection of what I’ve done but the acceptance that what I did is me and the way I filter it is me as well. This may not make a lot of sense, and sometimes I don’t believe it as well, but if I find that if Ican accept and give myself compassion for my mistakes and not label them as something to get rid of. I can come to a sort of understanding that helps me to resolve the underlying issue. Through reaction and rejection I seem to just end up compartmentalizing deep down and having it spring out of the box when I least expect it….

Sorry for the ramble…
Hope your New Year goes well.


zewt says:

at some point… the compromise will have to stop.

gracieq says:

Hi Greg! Your comment does make sense to me as I can somewhat relate to what you’re saying. I know who I am and the way I work and think and the actions that I take but if it continues to be destructive to not only myself but also affects people around me, I think it’ll be better for me to learn how to change, for the sake and happiness of everyone. LoL. Here I go rambling again. I hope you had a great New Year too.

Hi Zewt! I’ve sat down and think real hard about the situation. I know that compromising is always advent in relationships. It’s just how much or how little one have to compromise to make the other happy. We just have to balance out the give and take more appropriately. Yet, at the end of the day, what is the benchmark of it all?

gsavidge says:

Maybe you just haven’t found the right people yet right? LOL 🙂

jo~ says:

sumtimes we just can’t stop ourself being bit silly to repeat the same mistake again over again in life, heck! but who is the one who suffering the most end of the day?
coz we r human being, we are emotional creature..
coz of part of feeling drive us crazy in life..
we shall pick up the pieces, learn step by step ..from our mistake to become a better person.
things do change, people do change, circumtances change us.
all the best! be happy k?

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