I finally found the courage the cut the cords of the past and move on . It took several friends on many different occasions to help me see that it was a necessary action on my part.
In the past during my teenage years, the end of a relationship with a boy means getting rid of everything they had ever given me, be it poems, cards or something valuable. Back in those days, I believe that getting rid of their things will eventually rid them of my mind akin to the phrase, “out of sight, out of mind“. As I grow older though, I find that what I did was silly. Why get rid of the mobile phone that they had given me when the relationship ended when the phone is still functional? Why give away the iPod when I use it in the car? And why can’t we still be friends? Why do we have to delete each other off our social platforms? The list of questions go on and eventually, I stopped getting rid of the things my ex-es gave me. I still continue using things that are functional to me on a day-to-day basis without holding on to them with special sentiment. The pictures are kept away, not deleted, but never to see the day of light again. Time healed the wounds and I found myself falling in love over and over again with different men.
As time passes by and with each failed relationship, I try to remain as gracious as possible. Sure, I returned their possessions which they left at my place. I did not delete them off my social platforms but merely block their newsfeed from appearing on my page. I found closure via various methods and sources. I tried to figure out the lessons that I needed to learn from the end of each relationship and try to be a better person, a better partner for the next guy who came along. I thought I had become stronger from each failed relationship. I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I was going to be happy for a long, long time.
Boy, was I wrong.
It’s been more than 6 months now and this is one of the longest time I’ve ever stayed single without going out on any dates at all. I still have my emotional and depressed moments though they are far and few these days. Each time a concern friend asked how am I doing, I cannot confidently answer that I have healed and moved on. I still have difficulty in this journey of moving on from this most recent failed relationship.
My friends said that I still have a teeny weeny glimmer of hope that he will realize his mistake and come back and grovel for forgiveness. To be honest, I’m not so sure about that. When I look deep down into all those layers of defense which I have erected around me, I realized that it was not so much the hope of having him come back or wanting me back. What I’ve come to realized in this rut that I’m stuck in for the past 6 months is due to the hurt that he caused from his betrayal. Yes, I feel betrayed. He betrayed my trust, something that does not come easily with me. He betrayed my friendship, something which we had both cultivated for a long 5 years. And most importantly, he betrayed my love when I thought I could never love another again. All those promises that he made to me, all those plans we made together…down the drain in an instant.
“Sorry, I have to do this to you“, he said. Really? Sorry? It was such an easy thing for him to say without truly meaning it.
I had mourned and grieved so intensely at the beginning of the end. I had shed so much tears it’s a wonder that I haven’t gone blind. When all was left in me was just numbness, I thought I was gradually moving on. I thought I was going through a healing process. I thought that I could still let him stay in my circle of friends in the social platform. I thought I could look at his name on my phone without the heart constricting at all. Hey, I’ve done it before with the previous ex-es, I can do the same now, right?
Wrong. My heart palpitates like crazy when I had to contact him to get some of my things back. The heart constricts when his newsfeed popped out of nowhere in FB. I was confused…there I was thinking that I have moved on and was healing so why am I still reacting badly whenever I find out anything related to him?
On Christmas night, on the insistence of some friends, he was deleted off my contact list in my phone and blocked on FB. My friends did not make it easy for me either. Although my phone was wrestled off of me and they were fiddling around in my contact list and FB, they specifically wanted me to do the “honours” of tapping the Delete and Block icons. I hesitated for a second when the phone was thrust into my face. I looked up at everybody’s face which were in earnest and I knew I have to do it, to let go and for my own sake, revert to my old believes. I tapped the icons and poof, he was deleted off my life in that instant.
With all that done, I jokingly told my friends that while they’re logged into my FB, they might as well help me delete his photos from my albums. I thought that they’d obliged me in this request but I was wrong again. They told me that I had to do it myself as it is one process which I needed to do all by myself in order to move on. My heart sink when I heard that. I wasn’t sure if I could face looking at the pictures of the 2 of us after my last emo episode.
Driving home early that morning after the dinner/party, I knew deep inside my heart that deleting the photos from FB is the final cord that I needed to cut in order to have as complete a closure as possible. I want to start 2012 in a clean, new slate and having baggage this severe will only pull me down. When I got home that night, I did the painful task of deleting part of my past. Pictures with him and the ex before him were deleted. I untagged myself in many of my friends’ pictures with the 2 of us. It was not easy for me to look at those pictures again yet I persisted. I really want to start anew come 2012. At close to 5am that day, I finished housekeeping the photos and fell into bed out of exhaustion.
How do I feel from the whole exercise? Relief, like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders. Sad as it is not easy to delete the past. Despite all that, I am excited to look forward to a brand new year with a brand new start. Of course, knowing that men finds me attractive is a great ego boost even if they’re not my sort of men! Here’s to moving on and a great 2012!
You have a good attitude, things get better with time, right? : )
Time heals though it will not be immediate. You are one strong girl and I’m sure you’ll get through this.
It needed to be you to do the actual clicking, because it has to be a conscious decision on your part. And, don’t compare this one to your previous relationships. Each one is different, and you were different each time, too. Like, you said, you learn and grow. And, you will get through this because you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. And, you will find love again because you have more love than you know.