Enhancing Relationships

I was checking my emails this morning and found a particularly interesting forwarded email sitting in my inbox. Generally, I do not read forwarded emails immediately but for once today, I did. The email shares the simple facts and values of life and relationships. I felt that it was a reminder of sorts to me; to be fair and play nice in the relationships I have with others.

The messages make logical sense. Hence, I would like to share them here. Who knows? One of you may come away feeling motivated to repair and/or enhance your own relationships.

Enhancing Relationships

1. Trust -TRUST is a very important factor for all relationships. When trust is broken, it is the end of the relationship. Lack of trust leads to suspicion, suspicion generates anger, anger causes enmity and enmity may result in separation. A telephone operator related a story that one day she received a phone call. She answered, “Public Utilities Board.” There was silence. She repeated, “PUB.” There was still no answer. When she was going to cut off the line, she heard a lady’s voice, “Oh, so this is PUB. Sorry, I got the number from my husband’s pocket but I do not know whose number it is.” Without mutual trust, just imagine what will happen to the couple if the telephone operator answered with just “hello” instead of “PUB”.

2. Right Speech -There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that “A speech will either prosper or ruin a nation.” Many relationships break off because of the wrong speech. When a couple is too close with each other, they always forget mutual respect and courtesy. They may say anything without considering if it would hurt the other party. A woman and her millionaire husband visited their construction site. A worker who wore a helmet saw her and shouted, “Hi, Emily! Remember me? We used to date in secondary school.” On the way home, her millionaire husband teased her, “Luckily you married me. Otherwise, you will be the wife of a construction worker.” She answered, “You should appreciate that you married me. Otherwise, he will be the millionaire and not you.” Frequently, exchanging these remarks plants the seed for a bad relationship. It’s like a broken egg – it cannot be reversed.

3. No Overpowering -Many relationships fail because one party tries to overpower another, or demands too much. People in love tend to think that love wll conquer all and their spouses will change the bad habits after marriage. Actually, this is not the case. There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that, “It is easier to reshape a mountain or a river than a person’s character.” It is not easy to change. Thus, having high expectations on changing the spouse character will cause disappointment and unpleasantness. It would be less painful to change ourselves and lower our expectations.

4. Creating Perfect Relationships -A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage, SDU, and requested, “I am looking for a spouse. Please help me find a suitable one.” The SUD officer said, “Your requirements, please.” “Oh, good-looking, polite, humourous, sporty, knowledgeable,  good in singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don’t go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.” The officer listened carefully and replied, “I understand you need a television.” There is a saying that a perfect match can only be found between a blind wife and a deaf husband because the blind wife cannot see the faults of the husband and the deaf husband cannot hear the nagging of the wife. Many couples are blind and deaf at the courting stage and dream of perpetual perfect relationships. Unfortunately, when the excitement of love wears off, they wake up and discover that marriage is not a bed of roses. The nightmare begins.

5. No Pointing Fingers – A man asked his father-in-law, “Many people praised you for a successful marriage. Could you please share your secret with me?” The father-in-law answered in a smile, “Never criticise your wife for her shortcomings or when she does something wrong. Always bear in mind that because of her shortcomings and weaknesses, she could not find a better husband than you.” We all look forward to being loved and respected. Many people are afraid of losing face. Generally, when a person makes a mistake, he would look around to find a scapegoat to point the finger at. This is the start of a war. We should always remember that when we point one finger at a person, the other four fingers are pointing at ourselves. If we forgive the others, others will ignore our mistake too.

6. Personal Perception -Different people have different perception. One man’s meat could be another man’s poison. A couple bought a donkey from the market. On the way home, a boy commented, “Very stupid. Why neither of them ride on the donkey?” Upon hearing that, the husband let the wife ride on the donkey. He walked beside them. Later, an old man saw it and commented, “The husband is the head of the family. How can the wife ride on the donkey while the husband is on foot?” Hearing this, the wife quickly got down and let the husband ride on the donkey. Further on the way home, they met an old lady. She commented, “How can the man ride on the donkey but let the wife walk. He is no gentleman.” The husband thus quickly asked the wife to join him on the donkey. Then, they met a young man. He commented, “Poor donkey. How can you hold up the weight of two person. They are cruel to you.” Hearing that, the husband and wife immediately climbed down from the donkey and carried it on their shoulders. It seems to be the only choice left. Later, on a narrow bridge, the donkey was frightened and struggled. They lost their balance and fell into the river. You can never have everyone praise you, nor will everyone condemn you. Never in the past, not at present, and never will be in the future. Thus, do not be too bothered by others’ words if our conscience is clear.

7. Be Patient – A man came out of his home to admire his new truck. To his puzzlement, his 3 year old son was happily hammering dents into the shiny paint of the truck. The man ran to his son, knocked him away, hammered the little boy’s hands into pulp as punishment. When the father calmed down, he rushed his son to the hospital. Although the doctor tried desperately to save the crushed bones, he finally had to amputate the fingers from both the boy’s hands. When the boy woke up from the surgery and saw his bandaged stubs, he innocently said, “Daddy, I’m sorry about your truck.” Then he asked, “But when are my fingers going to grow back?” The father went home and committed suicide. Think about this story the next time someone steps on your feet or you wish to take revenge. Think first before you lose your patience with someone you love. Trucks can be repaired. Broken bones and hurt feelings often can’t. Too often, we fail to recognise the difference between the person and the performance. We forget that forgiveness is greater than revenge. People make mistakes. We are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions we take while in a rage will haunt us forever.