Are You on the Rebound?

Work is pretty lax today in the office and I found myself with an abundance of free time at the moment. There are still a few projects pending but until I received more information from the clients, there is nothing much I can do.

So, here I am, taking the opportunity to browse around the web, absorbing what I can when I came across the following article posted below. The timing could not have been more perfect as I have been thinking bout rebound and moving on issues for a while now.

I will address the pointers below based on what I am feeling right now. Let me know if you think I am in denial mode. Heh.

Are you on the rebound?

No one likes being dumped – or for that matter doing the dumping.

The end of any relationship always means upheaval or turmoil of some kind, whether you’re moving house, lost lots of possessions, a pet or two or the love of your life. These are not easy times.

Especially if you’re left high and dry, feeling about as unattractive as a station flowerpot, and quite convinced no one will ever look at you again. Be careful – you are excellent rebound material!So what are the signs that you may be on the rebound?

Indecent haste. Your ex has hardly left – in fact, she/he still has to come and fetch half of his/her stuff, and you’re on the prowl again. The mere thought of spending any time on your own is enough to make you come up in hives. And, frankly, at this point, just about anyone will do – as long as it’s now. Sad thing though, is that someone else cannot really make the emptiness go away. Only you can do that. (This seems to apply to the ex, not me. I took my time in terms of trying to move on and/or meeting new people. The ex started dating someone new almost immediately after the break up. The sad fact which many of my friends share with me – the ex cannot bear the fact of being alone for long)

Flattery will get you everywhere.If someone’s halfway nice to you, you immediately see long-term prospects for where this is going. You are also prepared to overlook someone’s shortcomings – and at that, someone, whom you would not give a second glance under normal circumstances. A couple of compliments in your direction and you are like putty in his/her hands. Alarm bells should be ringing. (Not true, either. Yes, I did receive compliments from some of the least expected people in my life, or as mentioned above, someone whom I would not give a second glance under normal circumstances. Did I start imagining long-term prospects with them? Hell no! In fact, I was more amused at how they thought they could get lucky with me. )

Lowering of standards. If you usually go for people who are educated, good-looking and sophisticated and suddenly you forget all these prerequisites and go for someone simply because they’re there and they seem to be interested in you, something is wrong. The fact that they’ve never finished reading a book, or can hardly finish a sentence or think Red China is something you should never put on a yellow tablecloth, should be a warning. Don’t lower those standards. Many a person has ended up spending a lifetime with someone they thought was a one-night-stand. (Have I lowered my standards lately? Nope, I do not think so. In fact, I think my core pre-requisites when it comes to men are still pretty much the same. I admit that there were a few interests expressed towards me lately but I did not jump into anything just because they were interested in me. If I did, I would not be writing here or thinking about rebound issues.)

Your behaviour suddenly changes. You were never much of a smoker or a drinker, but suddenly, with this new person you have become both. You’ve changed from homebody to life-and-soul of the party – in less than a month. Point is, you cannot adapt who you really are in the long run. Be true to yourself – and don’t pretend you are someone other than you are. (Behaviour change? I guess I did change my behaviour considerably when I was with the ex – I stopped smoking and drinking because he does not do both. I pretty much become a homebody for him, something which he complained once in a while when he wants to go out with his friends without me. I think I am back to who I really am now – a cross between a homebody and social animal, depending heavily on the mood. )

You talk about your ex a lot. If your ex is your main topic of conversation, you are not over this relationship. In fact, if you still have a constant need to talk about him or her, you are still very much caught up in this relationship and very definitely not ready for a new one. Rather speak to a counsellor – don’t drag someone else into your unsolved problems. (I still talk about my ex at times to my friends, but without anger or resentment anymore. Do I talk about him all the time? I do not think so. Sure, I bring up some of the things he said or did but those things were not brought up on purpose, instead, I bring them up to either reiterate some topics my friends and I were discussing at the moment in time or to just use myself as an example. There is definitely no NEED to talk about him constantly.)

Sudden major decisions. There is some truth in the saying, “Marry in haste, repent at leisure”. Many people who have just come out of a relationship do not hold still for a while and gather their strength. They plunge headlong into new major commitments as a diversionary measure. Problem is, getting engaged/married or pregnant are pretty lifelong things – not diversionary measures you can just wiggle yourself out of. Don’t do any drastic things, such as resigning, getting engaged or moving to a new city – anyway, not in the first six months. (Is there a set timeline for this? Frankly, I think different people heal and move on with their lives in their own accord – not within the constraints of “the right time frame”. IMHO, as long as we do not jump into a new relationship almost immediately after the end of an old relationship, as long as we took the time to analyse our emotional levels and understand where we stand in the crossroads, we are sane and mature enough to make the right decisions, no? Taking 2-3 months to completely heal before considering getting into a new relationship is normal. Some people may think that for one to completely heal in less than 6 months’ time is absurd but I have seen friends who have done it before and came out completely happy at the end of the day. I have been there myself in the past too.)

Your friends don’t like him/her. If all your friends are expressing reservations, listen carefully. They are seeing something that you aren’t. And by the time you do see it, it may be too late to extricate yourself from this situation. You’re blinded by infatuation – they’re seeing golddigger, loser, desperado, social misfit. Listen to them while they’re still around.

Not such sweet dreams. You still dream about your ex just about every night. For a while this is normal, but after a couple of months, it’s time to move on. An ongoing obsession with the ex means you’re not focused on your needs right now. An ideal opportunity for a chancer to make his/her entry on central stage.

The opposite of your ex. Choosing someone who is the direct opposite of the person you used to be involved with, could also be a mistake, as your choice is still influenced by your reaction to a previous relationship. Given time, you would probably go for someone who has some of the positive qualities your ex had. If they had none, what were you doing with them in the first place?

What your ex does still concerns you deeply. Finding out that your ex is getting remarried or is having a baby, still affects you deeply, despite the fact that you are in a new relationship. This simply means that you are not over the previous relationship – and being in a new one has actually not changed that. – (Susan Erasmus, Health24) (I think I can safely and surely say that what he does or say do not affect me anymore. How do I know that? I test myself on impulse by visiting his FB page to read about his updates and check if I feel upset or concern about some of his updates or comments to people. End result? I felt normal – as if I am just being a busybody checking out other friends’ page. My friends could tell me about his womanising ways these days and I do not feel a thing – just mere curiosity of what sort of woman he is going after now after me. )

After reading the article thoroughly, after much deep thinking, after going to the depths of my heart and mind, I am sure that the next relationship I get myself into is not a rebound. Neither am I not over my ex. He is out of my life. We have both moved on.