I have a few “stories” in my head that I would love to blog about but let it all come in due time. At the moment, there is just one particular issue that has been occupying my mind for the last 2 weeks and after today’s Google chat with a friend, I find it apt and necessary for me to write it down before memory starts to fail me.
My friends would probably groan when they read this post but I feel the need to do this for my own sanity and private journey to healing the heart. You could say that it is my own way for seeking closure on the subject. Not immediately, but eventually.
I have been thinking about THE conversation over and over in my head for the last 2 weeks since the break up. THE conversation where he told me about his change of heart 6 months ago, about how he was sure we would never be happy if we go ahead with the his marriage plans, about how our relationship is was not moving forward, about how he loves me but not enough to still want to marry me. It was painful to even bring it up to mind at the beginning…Oh, who am I kidding? It still IS painful to bring it up even now, after 2 weeks. I know this is akin to taking a knife and slicing myself up but like I said, as painful as it is, I want to move on and this is my way of doing it.
The last 2 weeks had me focusing on the “whys” and his mistakes/errors in the relationship. I was concentrating so much on his flaws to make myself feel better. I was distraught at the beginning and I remained sad and depress for a few days. Then, I move into anger and right now, my emotions are fluctuating between sad and anger.
My inner self is telling me, “ENOUGH OF THIS SELF-PITYING!” I admit, I have been letting my heart rule me most of the time since the break up. Today, despite having a bad day (i.e. letting the heart rule my emotions), the rational and logical side of me is fighting to break out. And so, here I was, in the morning, letting the rational side of me do the talking and accepting the facts of life while my heart allows the tears to roll.
I know I should not but I cannot help it at times; I visit his page in FB to see how he is doing. Each time I see him doing so well without me, my heart breaks all over again. Yeah, I know, I am a plain sucker for pain, aren’t I? I have been trying to exercise restrain but there were times when I failed greatly. This morning, was a clear example of it.
I saw that he wrote a new note on FB and decided to read it. At the end of it, I could feel anger bubbling up and the first thing I wanted to do was slap him. I will not go into details about what he wrote in the poem but it did enough to provoke such a reaction from me – to slap him.
Feeling annoyed and the need to vent, I descend upon MT on Google Talk and poured out my irritation to her. Before she even had time to give me a proper respond, off I go to a meeting but not before promising that I will be back to continue the conversation with her at a later time.
Later, my conversation with MT gave me a good jolt in my mind and heart. Her explanation or perspective in the whole break up was sort of fresh. There were times when I detect some similarity between her logic and his logic but I guess MT is more capable in expressing her thoughts compared to him. She told me there are 2 sides to what he could be thinking.
Case A: He sees himself as a martyr who is constantly seeking to be happy for himself but knows he has to sacrifice that part in order to give himself more freely to responsibility. In short, MT’s deduction said that he is happy being unhappy.
LOL.
Case B: He knows that this relationship will not be an easy journey. There are equally big and little steps to take to get to where we want to be – marriage. However, despite the both of us knowing what we need to do to achieve it, either one or both of us are not trying hard enough. Perhaps, physically, we are prepared for it but psychologically, we are not ready. That is why he may feel that things are stagnant. He could sense that we have different expectations from this relationship and there is potential disaster if we bulldoze our way to the end.
This is the theory where I find MT is most similar to him. In a way, the both of them are able to see the bigger picture better than I do. Frankly, if she were to share this with me right after the relationship ended, I would not be able to accept it. In fact, I think I may even reject it! However, today, the logical side of me wants a clear explanation. And I have it through MT. It helped me see things from a different perspective (ok lah, from his perspective). It made me realise in a more profound sense that I am also at fault in causing the demise of the relationship. After all, it takes 2 to tango, no? I saw bits and pieces of how my reaction or baby steps could have contributed to the end of something…comfortable.
Whatever reasons God has for wanting me to go through this phase of getting my heart broken again, only He knows. I can only pray and hope that one day, I will get to see His reasoning for it and understand that I had to go through this to move on to something better. A few things I am sure though; I know that I have the ability to love wholeheartedly and it is a good thing; I know I am strong enough to work hard in making something continue working – it only fails cause the other party has given up; last but not least, I can lose weight!!!
