Mash potatoes

Somebody, please congratulate me! I had just successfully made mash potatoes for the very first time! Haha…although the consistency and the texture of it is not as I would like it to be, but for a first timer, I would have to say it is pretty good.

Basically, what I did was to boil some potatoes til they're soft and place them in a bowl. Then I added some butter in it, and started mashing the potatoes with a fork. After the potatoes are all mashed up, I added some milk to it, mix the potatoes around a little bit more, and voila, mash potatoes in an instant. Anyway, I'm gonna go back to enjoying my mash potatoes now. Good day everybody!

Depression?

Just had a chat on MSN Messenger with Jo. She commented that I never shared much bout the things over in Ozzy with her. How do I explain to her that these days, I do not like telling people much bout myself because I feel like I'm always constantly burdening them with my problems? After all, there are so much unhappy events happening in Ozzy these days. 

*sigh*

How do I tell Jo that I was on the verge of depression? She said that Mei Ling might be in depression now because of her own personal turmoil. But I would attest against that. Mei Ling is not in depression. She has a lot in her mind, that's true, but she is definitely not in depression. The main thing now is, how do I explain to Jo, or to anyone in this case, that I feel like I'm falling into depression without being able to really explain the factors behind it? How do I justify being on the verge of depression without any valid reason?

Sometimes, when I'm quiet, doesn't mean that I'm truly okay. Just because I don't say a thing, or did not share anything, does not really mean that everything is going well and happy for me. I'm more of the type who keeps to myself when things go wrong. I only open up when I could not keep it any longer. And please, do not ask me why am I on the verge of depression now because I myself do NOT know the reason! 

A phone conversation

After not talking to Mum on the phone for the last few weeks, I was finally able to do so just now. Talking to her on the phone is so much better than just emailing and chatting with each other online. I miss talking to her on the phone. When I was studying in KL, we would call each other and talk for hours long on the phone at least once or twice a week. Mum and I both have this friend comaradie (sp?) between us that existed since I was in my upper Primary years. Of course, there would still be times where she had to play her role as Mum and that's where we usually had our arguments and misunderstandings. However, despite whatever misgivings she had, I would never, ever exchange Mum for another mother. She is one of a kind and I truly admire her for being able to bring up such stubborn headed daughter as I am. I know I would not be able to bring someone with a temperament like me up with as much patience as she had. 

Since I was a small girl, I'd always seek approval from Mum in whatever I do, in whoever I mix around with, in fact, in everything that revolves my life, I would seek for her approval first. Hence, when I was going out with the ex, Mum's approval was the first thing I seek before anything else came first. Whatever ups and downs I had with the ex, Mum would always be the first to know (of course there are certain things that I do not share with her). Considering the fact that I had spent 5 years of my life with the ex, I guess I should not be too surprise to know that Mum had kind of accepted him as part of the family. In our phone conversation earlier, Mum mentioned that while I had invested so much into the relationship with the ex, she had also inadvertently invested some of her feelings into it – i.e. she accepted him as part of the family and learn to love him too. Thus, when things ended between me and the ex, she felt that things had ended for her too.

It seems that Uncle Edwin had asked Mum bout me and the ex. He asked what really happened between the both of us and why did things ended. He asked if I ended things with the ex because I started going out with YK. I got a little frustrated hearing that cause I thought Uncle Edwin should know me enough to know that I'm not that sort of person. But rational-wise, I guess I should not be angerd with them thinking that way. After all, I did embark on a new relationship with YK barely after a few months ending things with the ex. It was a little heartening to hear Mum defending me in front of Uncle Edwin. The ex had sms-ed Mum and confessed that he betrayed my trust and had even apologised to Mum for cheating behind my back when he had promised her not to dishonour me. For once, I truly thank God that the ex had sent that sms. It had saved my reputation in front of Mum and proved that I did no wrong in the whole mess that was once our relationship.

Uncle Edwin even asked Mum for the progress between me and YK. But Mum told Uncle Edwin that she doesn't know a single thing cause 1) I did not tell her anything that happened between YK and me 2) she had only met YK once and 3) she had decided not to interfere in my personal relationships anymore. I admitted to Mum that I had refused to tell her about any thing between YK and I. I guess I had adopted a stance of not saying a thing to my family so that whatever misgivings they have about my personal relationship, will not affect the outcome of my relationship with YK in the long run. I know it will be a bit unfair to YK because my family, especially Mum, will not really get to know much of him unless they meet him in person and talk to him. But I'm doing all these to protect my relationship with YK. I do not want my family to try to control the course of the relationship again. 

Also, how do I ever tell Mum that I've fallen so much more in love this time round compared when I was with the ex? I know it's only been a few short months, but the feelings are more intense this time round. It's so intense to the point where I get scared thinking about it sometimes. Maybe, it's just like what Winnie and Steph had said, we're both still in the honeymoon period, hence I feel more in love. They could be right but truth be told, the feelings are really so much more different this time round. Perhaps it's still too early to say anything about this relationship I have with YK. Perhaps I should wait a little longer before declaring my feelings and all. So many perhaps and what ifs. 

*sigh*

I guess only time will tell.  

Random

Just to reassure everyone out there, I'm still alive. I have people questioning about the lack of posts for the past few weeks with some questioning if the writer (me) and the blog is still alive. Well, here's my answer: yes, both the writer (me) and the blog is still very much alive.

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I'd just been very busy the past couple of weeks dealing with assignments. What is new eh? The life of a student is a routine of dealing with assignments and exams after all. Frankly, I'm struggling with my assignments these days. I'd never had problems churning out ideas or opinions to be argued in assignments but this time round, I find myself writing. And to add to all that, I constantly get writer's block! *sigh* These past couple of weeks had been the worst time ever for me.

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On a more positive note, Uncle Edwin had just proposed to his gf and she said yes! Amen to that! Finally, another addition to our small family. I am just so utterly ecstatically happy for him!! Uncle Edwin is one the most patient man I had ever known, and also one of the nicest and kindest around. We'd gotten very close to each other ever since I enter my teens and had continued to update each other about our lives up til now. I'm always the first in the family to ever find out any new news about him and as usual, he'll always forbid me from telling anybody else in the family til he's ready. Mum, Grandma and Aunt Sandy all knew who to grill for information whenever they want to find out the latest gossip in Uncle Edwin's life. Right now, I just can't wait to get a piece of the action when the wedding takes place.

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Life for me had fallen into a rut. There are more downs than ups for quite some time now. Friends who had a look at the pictures I posted in Friendster all commented that I looked like I'm having a great time. Most of the time in those pictures, I was actually intoxicated more than sober. You could say I turn to booze to drown my problems. I know, I know, it's not the solution and it's a stupid thing to do. But right at that moment, all I wanted was to forget about the downs of my life, even if it's for a little while. But don't worry people, I've not turned into an alcoholic, neither am I addicted to it. However, there are just moments where a couple of bottle of beers or a few shots of liquor is what I needed.

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The next time somebody wants to get into a long distance relationship, I'll have to remind myself to give them a slap to wake them up to reality. LDR is never easy, especially when those involved in it are in two different countries. The most important things in LDR are trust and communication. But when one of them breaks down, it's hard to maintain the relationship. I'm not saying that one should give up on it the moment problems start arising due to the break down of either one. But whoever who walks into a LDR with rose-tinted glasses, please think twice of the whole scenario before truly committing oneself.  

Hate me please!

I sometimes wonder if I walk around with the words "Please hate me" or "Please dislike me" written all over my face. What is it about me that just invites people to dislike me or hate me so openly? And these people are people whom I called friends. Or acquaintances. People whom I held no grudge but who seem to just wanna pick something about me to criticise.

Yes, I've been slacking in my studies and cannot finish my assignments in time. Yes, so I had to asked for extensions. So what is so unfair about the whole thing? I gave the lecturers the truth. I told them that I am unable to finish it in time, so can they please give me an extension. I was honest to the lecturers. And because of the honesty, they grant me an extension. It's better that I tell them the truth rather than concocting some shit just for an extension. What is so ridiculous about the reason I gave? I got an extension because I asked. How bloody ridiculous or unfair is the whole thing? Do you people need to go around complaining to anybody and everybody that it's bloody unfair that I got an extension based on the reason that I can't finish my assignment in time? And all these coming from people whom I called friends.

I've been advised to forget about what people said. But how do you forget when you know people are talking bout you behind your back? What did I ever do to invite such criticism? I don't think I've done or said anything that deserves this sort of treatment. Why must life be so miserable? Why group up and attack me?

Jeez…it's all about me again isn't it? Sigh….all the stupid, unnecessary drama…