Boredom!

Have you ever felt so bored that all you wanted to do was wish you had a gun so that you can shoot yourself? Well, I’m feeling that right now. In fact, I’ve been feeling that the whole entire day. The only thing that redeem this super bored day was the TV itself. Yup, I sat in front of the idiot box for nearly 4 hours watching Gulliver’s Travels with as much interest as I could muster out of my bored mind.

Carven once told me this:

We should act as students and study during weekdays. But we should also take the opportunity to be tourists during weekends and discover the place for ourselves. It’ll make life more interesting and besides, we’re already here, why let the opportunity slip away?

Oh wouldn’t I like that! In fact, who wouldn’t like that? The problem is, I have nobody to accompany me in whatever getaways I wanted to have. I’ve only gotten to know a few new people who already had plans of their owns. Old friends of mine have their own groups and cliques hence excluding me out of their escapades. I’m like the in-betweens now. Neither here nor there. And for the second time of the whole entire week that I’ve been here, I’m actually feeling so homesick (the first homesick feeling was when I first arrived). The video conversation I had with my entire family this afternoon didn’t help one bit. It only increases my homesick-ness.

I know lots of people usually felt homesick when they first reach a foreign place. But they usually get used to it and adapt themselves to the environment. They find themselves new friends to get along with and hang out with. But why oh why am I feeling so sucky right now? I can’t even think of anything positive to encourage myself out of this dump. All I can do is to wallow in self pity which is usually not my style. Maybe it’s my fault for not making any attempts to mingle around. Gosh…all I want to do now is just succumb to my tears and cry like there’s no tomorrow. But I’m a big girl now, I shouldn’t be feeling that.

*sigh*

I hope next week will treat me better. I can’t go on like this. I’ll go out of my mind! Boredom…it really can kill a person.

Bad friend?

Sigh…things have a taken a plummet lately. Forget absence makes the heart grows fonder, it’re more like absence makes the heart suspicious. I’m not talking about me per se, but in general. I’ve only been gone a week and so much had happened! All the drama, all the tears, all the heartache.

I guess I’ve been a rather bad friend of late. A friend has been feeling emotionally drained the last few days and I’ve not been sensitive enough to detect what is wrong. I always only found out after the storm had blown over. And she’s been so supportive of me, coming to my place in the middle of the night to comfort me when I had an argument with YK lately. And what do I do as a friend? Practically nothing.

*sigh*

It’s tough on me sometimes. I can’t tell anybody what I know because of the promises I’ve made. I hate people who breaks their promises (enough experiences on that with the ex that would last me a lifetime) and I’m not intent in being one of those people. It’s really tough. It felt like I’m keeping lots of secrets! Jeez…how am I gonna last for a whole year?

I’m in Perth!

After all those months preparing for it, I’m finally now in Perth. And as usual, the journey had me filled with an overwhelming sense of mixed feelings. In fact, I’m still feeling rather overwhelmed with everything right now.

It was a bit tough when I was going to enter the gates in the airport on Thursday night. I was still feeling rather upbeat the whole day and did not think much about leaving everybody and everything behind the whole day. But as I drew closer and closer to the airport, the reality of leaving Malaysia to Perth for a whole year finally set in. All of a sudden, I begun to miss everybody that’s important in my life, especially YK. Before I know it, I find myself crying in the car! I think seeing me cry then had just made YK feel worse than before. When we were both in the airport carpark, we hugged each other so hard and my heart constricts so hard that it was literally too painful to bear. I started crying then again and this time, it felt like the tears wouldn’t stop at all. Somehow or other, I manage to get a grip of myself and before long, I was standing behind Mei Ling in the check in line.

After checking in our luggages, YK and I went to grab a bite with my family. None of my friends came to send me off but they have their reasons – busy, no transport, not in town,etc. Not that I mind that they didn’t come at all. Anyway, it felt like time just flew by during that last hour spent with my family. Before I know it, I have to enter the gates and say goodbye to everybody! It wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. Grandma and Godmum started crying when I was still standing around. Before I know it, I was tearing up in seconds. And before long, after I finish my round of hugs, I was crying quite badly. I hugged YK the longest. While we were hugging, he kept telling me over and over to take care of myself, to call him and let him know if I needed anything, but most importantly, he told me he loves me over and over again. That somehow reassured me a lot and made me stop crying in the end.

While I was in the waiting lounge, I made some last minute calls to a few people that I couldn’t meet up before I left. They’re family members, good friends, etc. Even called Mum and YK cause I missed them tremendously all of a sudden. I was gonna tear up again but I managed to control myself and didn’t cry at all. I really admire Mei Ling during that period of time. She managed to control herself so well that she didn’t cry at all. Even when we arrived in Student Village (SV) on Friday, she still didn’t cry until it was night time and she was alone in her room.

Both Mei Ling and I only manage to get less than 40 winks in the plane. It was kind of cold and uncomfortable sleeping in the plane. And we both arrived in the Perth international airport approximately around 5am. By the time we both cleared customs and were out of the airport, it was already 5 plus nearly 6am. I thought we’d had a hard time looking for the shuttle bus that is suppose to take us to the SV but surprisingly, it was easy. We finally checked into the SV at 7 plus in the morning and to Mei Ling’s despair, we were assigned to different flats. Mei Ling’s flat has 8 rooms while mine has only 3. Her flat is gonna be quite noisy, yet, it’ll also be fun because there are so many more people to interact and hang around with. I like my flat cause it’s cosy. Yet, it’s gonna be more difficult for me to mingle around. so far, I’ve only exchanged a few sentences with my flatmate because 1) she’s not around most of the time 2) I’m not around when she is 3) she sleeps rather early while I’m more of a night person. Maybe I’ll get to know her better when classes starts tomorrow.

Friday was a really tiring day. When I enter my room for the very first time, I felt sad and depressed because the room was so empty! To cheer myself up a little, I started unpacking and tried to personalise the room a bit. When I’d finished, I wasn’t that depressed anymore. By the time I was done with my room, I had to get ready to attend the SV orientation. It was just basically lots of speeches and some icebreaking session for the different courtyards (the flats are divided into courtyards) and free lunch. After the orientation’s over, we were both trying to get people to bring us around to the nearest shops to get out basic necessitites eg. pillows, quilt, etc. It was quite difficult to get somebody to help us cause everybody had their own plans hence leaving us both even more sad, depressed and lost as ever. Thank goodness I managed to contact Carven who kindly brought us around and show us the different places. By evening, we were both so dead tired that all we wanted to do was sleep. And sleep we did til the next morning.

Saturday afternoon, we went to the city with Mei Ling’s friend. After the city, it was Northbridge, and then to South Perth. Phew!! It was tiring, but not as tiring as the day before. And we both weren’t feeling so lost and sad and depressed anymore. And today, it was to Fremantle, where we had the famous fish and chips in Cicerello’s. And for the first time ever, Mei Ling and I both had beer so early in the day!! There is this brewery named Little Creatures and since we went to have a look, we thought we might as well tried out the beer there. And the beer did not disappoint us at all. It was good. We later explore around Freo and went to the Freo market to have a look at veges and fruits that were on bargain. I managed to get some peaches and plums for only AUD$2 which to me, is a good bargain. And cherry tomatoes for only AUD$1. All to which Mum will definitely convert it into Malaysian Ringgit and complained that it’s expensive. Haha…that’s to be expected from her already.

Well, over all, I’m still feeling kinda lost around here. But I’m definitely feeling much better compared to the first day I was here. With time, I’m sure I’ll know my way around the place. And though I’m feeling as lost as I am right now, I’m loving Perth more and more with each passing day. It’s definitely very different from Malaysia!

An engagement party…and a whole lot of thoughts

I went down to Ipoh last weekend to attend Mei Ling’s engagement party. Stayed over at YK’s place and finally got to meet his parents and brother. I was so nervous around them I seriously do not really know how to communicate with them. But I guess it was a pretty ok first impression. Well, at least I think it was ok. YK did not mention anything about his parents being unhappy with me.

The engagement party was meant to be a happy affair. Frankly, it was a happy affair. But there were some underlying sadness that Mei Ling kept to herself, til she open up to me. Unfortunately for Mei Ling, her family do not approve of her engagement to her fiance. All of them, including her parents, seemed to think that the engagement is too sudden and find the fact of her getting engage hard to accept. That night, none of her family turn up to celebrate her special occasion with her. Her so-called best friend whom she had known for over a decade had also disappointed her that night by giving a lame excuse and not turning up at the party. I guess she was pretty happy that I turned up at the party, albeit being late.

We’ve only known each other for slightly over 2 years and yet, you could come all the way down to Ipoh from Penang to celebrate my engagement. My best friend, whom I’ve known for over 10 years, couldn’t even give me a good reason for not turning up. All she said was, “Scared got traffic jam from KL la”.

I really symphatise with Mei Ling’s situation. Getting engage to the man you love is a big occasion. Although she and her fiance are only engage through word of mouth (they wanted to register but couldn’t make it in time), it is still considered an engagement. To have none of your family members approving it is one thing. To have none of them attending is a very big issue. Her family thinks that she should wait til she’s back from Ozzy before making any decision.

Frankly, I have no comment on the issue. As long as she’s happy and as long as knows what she’s doing, I, as a friend can only bask together with her in her happiness. And as a friend, I’m also supportive on whatever decisions she made. I may advise Mei Ling on certain issue, but the decision is still hers.

Well, Mei Ling’s not the only friend of mine who’s engaged this year. An old school friend of mine, Ai Shern, had also gotten herself engaged. Both she and her fiance had even set a date for their wedding, which would take place next year. All this talk about engagement and marriage had started a chain of thoughts in me. Of course, just like any other girl, I would like to settle down with Mr Right in the near future too. But it’ll never be now. Not when I’m still studying. Not when I have not gotten my degree yet. A friend once asked if I would get married anytime soon. I told that friend that I’d probably never get married til I’m 30. Seriously, marriage is a huge thing to me. And after what happened between the ex and I, I guess I’ve become a cynic overnight.

I admit it, in the past, even when things were not smooth sailing for the ex and I, before the whole truth about his affairs came into light, everybody around us would think that marriage between the both us would be inevitable. I even thought that I’d end up marrying him! Obviously, I don’t think about it now. In fact, I’d rather die than ever get married to a man like him. Yet, the hurt and the huge lesson that I’d collected from this bad relationship had not 100% deter me from thinking about getting married in the future. A cynic I may be, yet I couldn’t help it when childish dreams about getting married to my knight in shining armour still invades my mind from time to time.

Since the ex is mentioned here, I might as well add on that he messaged me early this morning around 7.30am. He said he had a dream about me and him. He continued by telling me that really misses me. For goodness knows why, reading that message had inadvertently sent a swell of pity in me. For the first time in so many months, I actually pitied him. I even went a step further, thinking if my being so cold towards him in the past few months is right thing for me to do. I must be going nuts! I could feel my harden heart towards him softening gradually, and all this spells trouble.

I know a few people around me are worried right now. They’re worried that I’m gonna succumb to my soft heart, which would provide the ex with an ammunition to try to get back into my good books. I’ve done some thinking. I would never be friends with the ex for the time being. Who knows what the future might hold. I might end up being friends with the ex once I get back from Ozzy. But right now, it’s difficult for me to stay friends with him. Especially more so with the memories of how he had treated me – unfairly and abusive.

YK and Winnee both seemed to think that the ex is trying emotional tricks to try to get me back to his side again. Once again, what both of them think might be true. Another friend, Weiling, told me that the ex might be pretending to be very pitiful when in reality, he’d probably had his hands wrapped around a few girls. Haha…her imagination is really something but then again, I would not be surprised if the ex really had his hands wrapped around girls right now. After all, a playboy will always remain a playboy regardless whether they are in a relationship or whether they get married.

How should I react?

Picture this: You’re in the room with your new man when you found a photo album full of pictures of him and his ex. What would your intial reaction be? Angry? Jealous? Hurt? Or would you be indifferent towards it?

*sigh*

I do not know what sort of reaction I gave YK when I saw the photo album. I guess I was sort of indifferent towards the whole thing. But there’s a possibility that the indifference was partly due to the fact that I just woke up in the morning. When I sobered up later on, Phoebe’s comments on her situation which was roughly similar to this echoed in my head again and again.

I felt insulted when I saw the pictures, especially of the ones where he and his ex-es got quite intimate – hugging, kissing, etc. I felt that he did not respect me as his gf. He even left momentoes and presents that his ex gave him around the house.

Frankly, I do not feel insulted. I do not even feel that YK did not respect me or anything like that. I asked him why he still kept the photos, he said he wasn’t even aware that the photos were still around in the room til I pointed it out. I have no reason to question his explanation…or do I? I couldn’t really pinpoint how I felt. I don’t even know where to start or how to start to describe how I felt. I admit, I wasn’t too happy about it, but neither was I too ok about it.

*shrugs*

Maybe the fear of the past relationship had a slight affect on me. Or maybe it’s just me. Is it weird for me not to be able to describe how I felt? Is it weird of me to be indifferent towards the whole thing?

Ignorance is better

Today’s been a rather busy day for me. Went over to the island in the morning with Winnee to get some extra clothing to bring over to Ozzy. Bought some stationaries at the same time. All in all, I’d spent A LOT of MONEY in a single day. Sigh…

I’ve always been able to talk to Winnee about lots of stuff that is going on in my life. I do not have to worry bout saying the wrong things because I know she’ll never get offended with whatever I said. In fact, she’s always been rather understanding with my situation and tries her best to comfort me whenever I’m down. It’s been a very amazing journey, this special friendship we shared. Such a special and strong friendship had started when we were both mere 14 year olds who constantly talk in class, even when the teacher was teaching in front! That year was a particularly bad year for our academics because we seldom pay attention in class, but it was also the very same year that our friendship bloomed into what we have now.

Today’s journey to the island is no different. As usual, we were talking, gossiping and updating each other about our own lives and the lives of our friends while we were in the car. After a while, I told her what Grandma said about me. I told her that I was so upset that I locked myself in my room and cried. Yes, Grandma’s comments were that hurtful that I couldn’t do much to control my emotions and tears then. As usual, Winnee tried her best to comfort me in her own way. She then proceeded to ask what the rest of the family think of YK, especially my Mum. My reply?

I didn’t ask any of them for comments on YK. Not even my Mum. I rather not know. I rather live in ignorance than knowing for a fact that they do not like him or that they do not approve of him. I’m not saying that I know for sure that they do not like him at all. I do not know because I did not ask. But just in case their comments will be something negative, I rather not know at all. I do not want their comments to affect me.

Call me a coward. Call me anything you want. To me, right now, at this very moment, ignorance towards any comments about me and my love life is the best way to deal with criticism.

When nobody understands

Sometimes, it’s hard to expect everybody to truly understand how you feel about something. It’s even harder to expect everybody to understand why you think in a certain way and react in a certain way. It’s hard to make everybody around you, especially people who are important in your life, to understand what really happened in a certain situation. There are times when whatever action you take is taken with the thought of keeping the important people in your life happy and making sure that the family ‘face’ value is never tarnished. But no matter how hard you tried to ensure that the ‘face’ will never be tarnished, there will still be family members who disagree with the course of action you had taken. In fact, they would sometimes criticised your actions behind your back and put the blame on you without truly understanding the whole situation. But I have this to ask: how can you make them understand what is really going on when there are so many details that you can’t even tell them for the fear of hurting them?

Frankly speaking, I’m not really that surprised that I’d been criticised time and again about the decisions I’d made when it comes to my own personal love life. Mum’s done that before. My friends had done that before. This time round, it was my Grandma. I was never meant to know what she said bout me. When Aunt Sandy told Mum what Grandma had said about me, she made Mum promised never to reveal a single detail about the conversation to me. Unfortunately for Aunt Sandy and fortunately for me, Mum couldn’t take it anymore and finally blurt out the criticism that Grandma had made about me. Come to think bout it, I think I rather Mum tell me nothing about what Grandma said. I rather live in ignorance about the comments and criticism than know about them and be bothered about what my family thought about me.

I’ve always known that Grandma had a soft spot for the ex. How do I know that? Well, each time the ex followed me to visit Grandma, he somehow managed to converse very well with her. To top things off, Grandma knows the ex’s aunt who used to live nearby. A common ground had already existed between Grandma and the ex. It also doesn’t help my situation any better knowing Grandma got along very well with the ex’s parents. When things ended with the ex, Mum told Grandma that I’m no longer with him and refuse to tell her the reasons of our break up despite the constant questions that Grandma ranted off at Mum. Only a few people in the family, namely Mum, Aunt Sandy and Uncle Edwin, knows the story. Even then, these 3 people do not even know 100% of the story. How could I ever tell them 100% of the story? If any of them ever know the whole story, uncensored, they would only be disappointed with me and the decisions I’d made. Inadvertently, it would also provide them with ammunition to attack whatever decisions I would make in the future.

YK came visiting yesterday. I was so excited yesterday because finally, Mum had the chance to meet him! It was rather important to me for them to meet. Don’t ask me why. Maybe it’s partly because Mum plays such an important role in my life that I just want the 2 very special people in my life to meet and get along. What I never expected yesterday was for a family dinner to take place – again! Uncle Edwin who knows that YK was in town, asked that I bring him along for the dinner. I was a bit nervous about bringing YK to meet the family since not everybody knows I’m not with the ex anymore plus the fact that to them, I’d only broken up with the ex not too long ago. Despite all that, I threw caution to the wind and brought YK along to the dinner where he met my father’s family for the very first time. I could tell that Uncle Edwin and Uncle Ivan could get along rather well with YK. I guess it’s safe to say that they had a pretty ok first impression towards YK. What saddens me, or rather, hurt me, was what Grandma said about me before the dinner.

We’re suppose to meet up at Grandma’s house before going over to the island for dinner. When Mum, YK and I were on the way, Uncle Edwin must have told the family that a “friend” of mine would be joining the family for dinner. I guess that was how the whole family officially found out that I’m seeing somebody new now instead of the ex. According to Aunt Sandy (this was Mum’s version), Grandma said that I must have been at fault when things ended with the ex. According to her, I’d slept over at the ex’s place many times before, I’d even stayed over at the ex’s sister’s place before and that the ex’s family treated me very well. She continued to said that I must have purposely pointed fingers at the ex when things ended so that I can start seeing somebody new. To cut a long story short, Grandma implied that I’m a person with no value who wants to change partners and thus, had wrongly turned the ex into the big bad wolf.

When Mum finished telling me everything, the impact of what Grandma had said about me cuts through the heart so deep that for a second, I could hardly breathe. When I’d finally found my breath, I had to work hard at maintaining a cool composure to show Mum that the comments did not affect me at all when in reality, I was badly affected by the comments. I had to tell myself repeatedly that Grandma does not know the whole story, that she does not know the hurt I had felt, that she does not understand the problems I had to face throughout the years. I reminded myself that Grandma does not know the details and thus, do not understand the things I’d said and the things I’d done.

*sigh*

At the end of the day, nobody would ever truly understand me but myself. Even I myself sometimes do not understand what is going on in this head of mine, so how do I expect others to understand what is going on in mine?