Protected: Jealousy

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Finally…

I’ve been waiting frantically ever since the semester ended for my results to be out. When it’s finally released early December, I checked my results with bated breath and fingers crossed. A million thoughts flashed through my mind. I was nervous and practically bouncing off the walls. When the page finish loading and I took a look at the results displayed in front of me, a surge of joy spread through my whole being. And a quiet prayer of thanks were offered to the good Lord Himself.

I did well. In fact, I did excellent. 1 High Distinction (HD) and 1 Distinction (D). But those results were only 2 out of 3 units. The last one – PR, my core unit – is still not available. I started to feel nervous then. And worried. Worried about how the end result would be. Wondering if I somehow manage to screwed up my last assignment for PR that would affect my grade.

Thus, it was another 2 weeks of anxious wait to find out my PR grade. And today, the wait is finally over. I. Got. A. D. For. It. I got a D for the freaking unit, the unit that causes me the most stress the entire semester. Phew! I’m now anxious no more. Well…I’m a little anxious of getting the uni’s scholarship now.

Overall, it was a good semester. Despite the stress that piled up on me throughout the last few months, I’ve proven to Mum once again that I can do it. Right now, the feeling is…Happy, happy, happy!!!!

Misunderstood

My whole mind’s raked with an overwhelming sense of guilt right now. How could I have misunderstood the very woman who had brought me into this world? How could I question her often to the point where I complain about her to friends?

*sigh*

The past few weeks back home had been rather stressful to me. Mum’s been very cranky these days with frequent moodswings and gets irritated easily. Whatever I said, she’ll doubt. She scrutinises everything I do or ever told her as if I was telling her big lies that would not benefit her at all. Why in the first place did she ever think that I would be lying to her is beyond my apprehension. But her constant doubts on me is taking a serious toll on my emotions overall. I’m suppose to be relaxing at home while getting things ready for Ozzy. Instead, she’s making me feel tense all the time with no resolution whatsoever to get anything accomplish. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time, even when she’s at work.

I put her moodswings and crankiness (if there’s ever a word such as this) all down to pre-menopause symptoms (sp?). I found out this morning that it’s only half true.

I’d been asking Mum to observe the exchange rate like a hawk and told her that she have to start changing some money to Ozzy dollars for me before my semester ends because from experience, the exchange rate will usually skyrock to 3.0 plus from January onwards. When I found out that she did not exchange a single cent yet, I was rather frustrated with her. I thought that she didn’t believed what I said. I thought that she had doubted my words once again. Once again, I was wrong about her.

I overheard her conversation with my aunt this morning. She hasn’t change any money for me yet because Uncle H still owes her 15K and she doesn’t have the cash to change any sort of money for me right now. She didn’t want to touch a single cent on her investment because it’s not the time yet and Uncle H had promised her time and again that he will return the money to her as soon as possible. His “as soon as possible” is sure taking a very long time. Mum’s very frustrated with Uncle H because he had borrowed the money from her years and years ago for his business and he had promised her then that he will return it all once his business is stable.

Many years had passed since then. His business is not only stable now, it has flourished to the point where his goods are exported overseas. His family is able to travel overseas for holidays a few times each year. His wife is able to buy branded stuff and jewelleries like there is no tomorrow. But the money that he had borrowed? Let’s just say that his taking it slowly to return it to Mum. The worse part of it all? His wife doesn’t know a single thing. She doesn’t know that he owed Mum money. Because of this fact and the fact that she’s richer than all of us, she’s been treating most of my aunts without much respect. She even refused to attend Granny’s wake because in her mind, it was still Chinese New Year. She only came the night before the day of the funeral itself.

His family is able to enjoy life because of the wealth that he had accumulated over the years. As for Mum and I? We have to constantly plan ahead and save as much as we can so that Mum’s able to support my studies in Ozzy. I have to constantly work hard in order to get scholarships that would be able to lighten Mum’s burden. The 15K that Uncle H still owes Mum is for my expenses in Ozzy and I’m not gonna let him put my future and education at stake just because he’s finding it difficult to return Mum her rightful money at one go for fear of his wife finding out.

I feel so guilty when I overheard the conversation Mum had with my aunt this morning. To think that I’ve accused her of being stubborn and doubting my words all these while. I’ve misunderstood the most important person in my life and that feeling is heartbreaking enough to kill me.

*sigh*

Random Musings

When I came online an hour plus ago, I actually wanted to blog about something I saw yesterday when I was over in the island. See, when I was out shopping in the island with Mum and Aunty Ann yesterday, there was this competition going in one of the shopping malls. It was a dance competition ala You Got Served style where street dancing, breakdancing, etc are popular moves. It’s refreshing to see groups of young people (young as in high school students) battle it out on a dance floor though the not so refreshing part was how Westernised everything is.

Anyway, the dance competition is no longer the focus of my mind right now. I’d been going through my old emails. And I’d carefully read all those personal and private emails that people had sent me – long and short. All those emails filled with words that show how much I was cared for. But let’s not forget emails filled with accusations, hurt and anger.

I’ve corresponded with K many times before after I ended things with the ex. K is the girl the ex cheated with while he was still with me. As I was reading K’s old emails, one particular sentence suddenly stand out from the rest. The ex had cheated on me THREE times before I ended things with him. What a fool I’d been to allow that to happen. But that’s all in the past now. I’ve made a vow to never allow something similar as this happen to me again. However, no matter how hard you vowed and make promises to yourself, things do not necessarily turn out the way you plan.

*sigh*

I’m in one of moods again. Having too much time in my hand is bad enough to the point where I start thinking of things that affects me badly. Reflections that will hurt not only myself but the people around me. I’ve been questioning myself lately if I’d made the right decision when I started seeing YK. I questioned myself if I should have wait longer, in fact be utterly 150% sure that I’m over the ex before I get involved. I seem to be projecting a lot of what happened between the ex and I to YK and it’s not fair to either one of us, especially him. I want to stop talking about what the ex did to me, I want to stop mentioning the ex in front of YK. But tried as I might, I still find myself telling YK how the ex mistreated me.

Gosh…whatever happened to a clean slate for each new relationship? I feel myself being such a hypocrite these days. I’ve been contradicting whatever I’ve said.

I’ve already let go of the past. In fact, I’ve forgotten many things that had happened between the ex and I. But sometimes, there will be things that trigger off some memories and I truly do not want that to happen. Things are really simple as it is but I seem to complicate things by analysing and thinking too much. Of course these sort of thinking isn’t doing much to ease my mind these days with the realisation that I’ve fallen deeply in love with YK to the point where things are no longer as simple as ABC.

X’mas Plans

Christmas is suppose to be the time of that year where Christians celebrate the birth of Jesus. Well, as years go by, Christmas had been commercialised and will continue to be commercialised by marketing companies everywhere in order to reap out-of-this-world profits for their organisations. Funny how people around the world actually get stressed out during Christmas season. All the gift shopping, dinner reservations, etc. Another thing that’s funny -  we all know the true meaning of Christmas and constantly complain about Christmas being too commercialised and we’re all being exploited as consumers, yet, we allow ourselves to be exploited in the end. And it’s in the process of getting exploited that we constantly get ourselves stressed out for no reason because we were too busy making Christmas plans.

I admit it. I’m one of those people who knows that they’re being exploited, and yet willingly get exploited. Confusing? Yeah, it sounds confusing to me too. I do not need to rush out and get gifts for everybody but I still do have to crack my head to get gifts for my love ones. And I’m really bad at getting gifts. I’ve consider making gifts before but unfortunately for me, I’m not born with the talent of creating arts and crafts. So each year, be it Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, birthdays or even Christmas, I’ll be having nightmares weeks before those actual days.

Gifts aside, I’ll be having big headaches planning for those special days. Especially for Christmas. First I got to plan who to celebrate it with, then what to do and then where and then…oh…basically, planning everything from A to Z. And as each year passes by, it gets even more tough to make Christmas plans. Celebrating it the same way year after year make things very boring. Getting people to get together and celebrate it is super tough. To cut a long story short, there seems to be nothing new when it comes to celebrating Christmas or even ushering the New Year anymore. Sigh…

For once, I don’t want to be the one who makes all the plans. For a change, I would like somebody else to take charge and make those plans for me. All I have to do is be there and make those plans work. And that, is my pre-Christmas wish!

A New Life

The moment I ended things with the ex, my life had somehow been renewed. It’s now a new life for me. And with a new life, a new beginning for all things that will come. It feels good to leave the bad behind and moved on with life. It’s even better when I found somebody who treats me the way I should be treated as I move along with life. I know it’s been only a short period of time after I ended a really bad relationship. I know some may even think it’s too soon for me to start seeing somebody new right now. But feelings are hard to come by. Most importantly, feelings are not easily developed. Well, at least it’s not easily developed on my side. My Mum seems to think that I easily fall for people who treats me well especially when I’m out and down. She somehow thinks that I’m on a rebound right now but I know I’m not. The moment the ex confessed to cheating on me, the moment I found out the whole truth from his friends and the girl he cheated with, there’s absolutely no chance of us getting back together, ever. From that moment on, I just dropped everything, left it behind me, and moved on with life.

It was during that period of time, while I was going with the flow of life, that I met Him. Him being the new guy in my life. Him being YK. Our friends introduced us and before long, we were SMS-ing each other til the wee hours of the day, hanging out with each other, going for drinks and movies (although it’s always in a group). As we got to know each other better, I found myself to gradually start developing feelings for him. Everytime my phone rings because of message, I’ll find myself hoping real hard that it’s YK. There were so many signs that were gradually making themselves obvious to me that I have feelings for him. It wasn’t long before he finally told me how he felt and a couple of days after that, we got together and started seeing each other. From that point onwards, with the formation of a new relationship, there exists something new. Something that doesn’t involve me and the past, but me and the future.

No doubt I’ll be leaving for Ozzy soon to continue my degree. But whatever happens in the future, I still think it’s worth it.

We’re now trying our best to spend as much time with each other as possible. I’d been down to KL for the past week and a half and during that period of time, I’d been with him except when he’s at work. Frankly, those time were one of the happiest moment I ever had for such a long long time now. He pampers me as much as he can and most importantly, he makes me feel special and important in his life. Something that the ex had never ever made me feel. Yes, the ex might have treated me really well at times, but time and again, he always fail to make me feel special and important cause each time that he treats me well, it feels like there’s some motive behind it. With YK, the feeling’s different. Whenever YK treats me well and makes me feel special and important, I know he’s doing it without any sort of ulterior motive, he do it because he truly wants to, he do it cause he’s sincere. Now, how often do you find that in a guy hmm?