A Thousand Years by Christina Perri

I was out with The Mouse one weekend when the conversation shifted to songs that have been playing on the radio lately. The Mouse mentioned this song and said that it’s a beautiful song as the lyrics were very meaningful. Me being me (not concentrating on lyrics as usual), had no idea what she was talking about. I decided to Youtube the song that very night and have been hooked to the song ever since. For some inexplicable reason, I keep smiling to myself every single time I hear this song.

By the way, there was a marriage proposal video of the co-founder of Nuffnang to his gf (now fiancee) using the same song. Needless to say, I ended up crying at the end of the video like the silly, emotional girl I’ve always been. Heh.

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I’m afraid
To fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt
Suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

(Chorus)
I have died everyday
waiting for you
Darlin’ don’t be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I’ll love you for a
Thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty I know she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything 
Take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every breath, 
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

(Chorus)
I have died everyday
Waiting for you
Darlin’ don’t be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I’ll love you for a 
Thousand more

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a 
Thousand years
I’ll love you for a
Thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

(Chorus)
I have died everyday
Waiting for you
Darlin’ don’t be afraid,
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I’ll love you for a
Thousand more

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought 
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I’ll love you for a 
Thousand more

 

 

Quote #22

This is not so much of a quote but an excerpt from a book. What the author pointed out echoes strongly the state of mind I was in when I came across it. Putting it down here for future reference

“If I’m single, I either obsessively try to change that – basing decision on if I think my Mr Right might be there, pondering the men my friends know and wondering if I should ask them to set me up – or masochistically trying to confirm my fear that I’m the last single person on earth, scanning Facebook for evidence that people I haven’t thought about in years are coupled off and have children. But all this energy I’ve been exerting on trying to control my feelings about the matter [...] has, I now see, been an utter waste of time. There’s so much more than romance in the world: There are friends and food and laughter and sights and smells and sounds and delicious, crispy, patata bravas, and the more I focus on my love life to the exclusion of all those other things, the smaller my world becomes.”

- Falling for Me  by Anna David (journalist)

Switching Themes

You know that whole spiel I did about a brand new year, and bla, bla, bla? One of the things I wanted to do as part of the new year was also to change the theme of this blog!

Was very tempted to subscribe to my own domain too but considering how I usually procrastinate when it comes to writing and posting up my blog posts, I decided that it will be a waste of money in the long run. Hence, I’m sticking to the free subscription provided by WordPress.

Now, about the themes. I was going through the free available themes and found a few templates that will be able to reflect my own style and personality with some tweaks here and there. BUT…the tweaks will take time and unfortunately, time is something that I desire to have more these days. Perhaps over the CNY break? Until then, I’ve reverted back to the original theme when this blog started back in December 2005.

There’s just something about the silhouette of the girl that reminds me of myself…

Who would have thought that 2012 will start out unexpectedly? It’s not even mid-January and I’ve tried:

1. Riding solo on a jet ski (loved the liberating feeling!)
2. Tried using a paintball/air gun and show up the guys by hitting the marker 3 times (they only hit the marker once )

I love the experiences within this short period of time and truly hope that this is only the beginning for the rest of 2012! Now…to hunt for that voucher to play with handguns…

Quote #21

“Positivity begins in the mind. Plant the seeds of greatness and goodness in your mind and you will witness positive transformations beyond your imagination. Think great and life will be great” - Anonymous

Thankful for…Friends

I’m very tempted to start a new category to document things that I’m thankful/grateful. It’s going to be a challenge to search within myself every other day to be thankful about something though…let’s see how it goes.

Anyway, one thing that I’m thankful for today…friends, especially those who are brave enough to continue being my friend even though I met them through the ex-es.

Personal Goals for 2012

Met up with Fluffball and Chewie on the 1st day of the month for dinner and also a catch-up session. There were lots of stories to share and updates to tell and listen too. Overall, it was a good night which left me feeling happy and excited for all of us.

In the course of our conversation, I mentioned to Fluffball and Chewie that I’ve never been the sort to make New Year’s resolutions and I didn’t think I have any for 2012 until I started to think about it before meeting them for dinner. To be honest, I’ve already started executing some of my resolutions in December and am determine to follow through with them. My personal goals for 2012?

1. To contribute to society
2. To be less negative and stop griping/venting so much. Instead, I want to be more positive, surround myself with laughter and think happy thoughts as much as I can

The goals are few and simple but I rather have a few goals that I can focus all my attention on rather than have 101 goals and not be able to fulfill them. I’ve already started Goal #1 in motion and I hope to do more of it throughout 2012 at my own time and accord. As for Goal #2, it won’t be easy considering how I’m constantly surrounded by negative people at work, but I hope to balance it out with positive people in my personal circle.

Here’s hoping for a great 2012 for myself and everybody else! Happy New Year!

Moving On to A Clean Slate for 2012

I finally found the courage the cut the cords of the past and move on . It took several friends on many different occasions to help me see that it was a necessary action on my part.

In the past during my teenage years, the end of a relationship with a boy means getting rid of everything they had ever given me, be it poems, cards or something valuable. Back in those days, I believe that getting rid of their things will eventually rid them of my mind akin to the phrase, “out of sight, out of mind“. As I grow older though, I find that what I did was silly. Why get rid of the mobile phone that they had given me when the relationship ended when the phone is still functional? Why give away the iPod when I use it in the car? And why can’t we still be friends? Why do we have to delete each other off our social platforms? The list of questions go on and eventually, I stopped getting rid of the things my ex-es gave me. I still continue using things that are functional to me on a day-to-day basis without holding on to them with special sentiment. The pictures are kept away, not deleted, but never to see the day of light again. Time healed the wounds and I found myself falling in love over and over again with different men.

As time passes by and with each failed relationship, I try to remain as gracious as possible. Sure, I returned their possessions which they left at my place. I did not delete them off my social platforms but merely block their newsfeed from appearing on my page. I found closure via various methods and sources. I tried to figure out the lessons that I needed to learn from the end of each relationship and try to be a better person, a better partner for the next guy who came along. I thought I had become stronger from each failed relationship. I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I was going to be happy for a long, long time.

Boy, was I wrong.

It’s been more than 6 months now and this is one of the longest time I’ve ever stayed single without going out on any dates at all. I still have my emotional and depressed moments though they are far and few these days. Each time a concern friend asked how am I doing, I cannot confidently answer that I have healed and moved on. I still have difficulty in this journey of moving on from this most recent failed relationship.

My friends said that I still have a teeny weeny glimmer of hope that he will realize his mistake and come back and grovel for forgiveness. To be honest, I’m not so sure about that. When I look deep down into all those layers of defense which I have erected around me, I realized that it was not so much the hope of having him come back or wanting me back. What I’ve come to realized in this rut that I’m stuck in for the past 6 months is due to the hurt that he caused from his betrayal. Yes, I feel betrayed. He betrayed my trust, something that does not come easily with me. He betrayed my friendship, something which we had both cultivated for a long 5 years. And most importantly, he betrayed my love when I thought I could never love another again. All those promises that he made to me, all those plans we made together…down the drain in an instant.

“Sorry, I have to do this to you“, he said. Really? Sorry? It was such an easy thing for him to say without truly meaning it.

I had mourned and grieved so intensely at the beginning of the end. I had shed so much tears it’s a wonder that I haven’t gone blind. When all was left in me was just numbness, I thought I was gradually moving on. I thought I was going through a healing process. I thought that I could still let him stay in my circle of friends in the social platform. I thought I could look at his name on my phone without the heart constricting at all. Hey, I’ve done it before with the previous ex-es, I can do the same now, right?

Wrong. My heart palpitates like crazy when I had to contact him to get some of my things back. The heart constricts when his newsfeed popped out of nowhere in FB. I was confused…there I was thinking that I have moved on and was healing so why am I still reacting badly whenever I find out anything related to him?

On Christmas night, on the insistence of some friends, he was deleted off my contact list in my phone and blocked on FB. My friends did not make it easy for me either. Although my phone was wrestled off of me and they were fiddling around in my contact list and FB, they specifically wanted me to do the “honours” of tapping the Delete and Block icons. I hesitated for a second when the phone was thrust into my face. I looked up at everybody’s face which were in earnest and I knew I have to do it, to let go and for my own sake, revert to my old believes. I tapped the icons and poof, he was deleted off my life in that instant.

With all that done, I jokingly told my friends that while they’re logged into my FB, they might as well help me delete his photos from my albums. I thought that they’d obliged me in this request but I was wrong again. They told me that I had to do it myself as it is one process which I needed to do all by myself in order to move on. My heart sink when I heard that. I wasn’t sure if I could face looking at the pictures of the 2 of us after my last emo episode.

Driving home early that morning after the dinner/party, I knew deep inside my heart that deleting the photos from FB is the final cord that I needed to cut in order to have as complete a closure as possible. I want to start 2012 in a clean, new slate and having baggage this severe will only pull me down. When I got home that night, I did the painful task of deleting part of my past. Pictures with him and the ex before him were deleted. I untagged myself in many of my friends’ pictures with the 2 of us. It was not easy for me to look at those pictures again yet I persisted. I really want to start anew come 2012. At close to 5am that day, I finished housekeeping the photos and fell into bed out of exhaustion.

How do I feel from the whole exercise? Relief, like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders. Sad as it is not easy to delete the past. Despite all that, I am excited to look forward to a brand new year with a brand new start. Of course, knowing that men finds me attractive is a great ego boost even if they’re not my sort of men! Here’s to moving on and a great 2012!

Best Thing I Never Had by Beyonce

Listened to this countless times but never paid attention to the lyrics until the Datin tagged me to the link for the video. The few friends I updated about my current love life all thinks that I got lucky to escape the misery that would have plagued me. And I think they’re right. Cause despite the status quo of things at work, I am happier as a person now without any worries. =) Watch the video here.

 

What goes around comes back around, hey! (my baby),
What goes around comes back around, hey! (my baby),
I say what goes around comes back around, hey! (my baby),
What goes around comes back around…

There was a time
I thought, that you did everything right,
No lies, no wrong,
Boy I must have been out of my mind,
So when I think of the time that I almost loved you,
You showed your ass and I, I saw the real you!

Thank God you blew it,
Thank God I dodged the bullet,
I’m so over you
So baby go lookin’ out!

[Chorus]
I wanted you bad,
I’m so through with it,
‘Cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had,
You turned out to be the best thing I never had,
And I’m gon’ always be the best thing you never had,
Oh yeah, I bet it sucks to be you right now!

So sad, you’re hurt,
Boo hoo, oh did you expect me to care?
You don’t deserve my tears,
I guess that’s why they ain’t there,
When I think that there was a time that I almost loved you,
You showed your ass and baby yes I saw the real you!

Thank God you blew it,
Oh thank God I dodged the bullet,
I’m so over you,
Baby go lookin’ out!

[Chorus]
I wanted you bad,
I’m so through with it,
‘Cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had,
I say, you turned out to be the best thing I never had,
Hmm and I’ll never be the best thing you never had,
Oh baby I bet it sucks to be you right now!

I know you want me back,
It’s time to face the facts
That I’m the one that’s got away,
Lord knows that it would take another place, another time, another world, another life,
Thank God I found the good in goodbye!

[Chorus]
Oh I used to want you so bad!
I’m so through with it,
‘Cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had,
Oh you turned out to be the best thing I never had,
And I will always be the best thing you never had,
Ouhh best thing you never had!

I used to want you so bad!
I’m so through with it,
‘Cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had,
Oh you turned out to be the best thing I never had,
Ouh I’ll never be the best thing you never had,
Ohh baby, I bet it sucks to be you right now!

(What goes around comes back around),
(What goes around comes back around),
I bet it sucks to be you right now,
(What goes around comes back around),
I bet it sucks to be you right now,
(What goes around comes back around),
I bet it sucks to be you right now.

Confused

It’s been a little over 3 months. I thought I’ve moved on pretty well. There were no more tears, no more lingering thoughts. I don’t miss him. In fact, he hardly crosses my mind anymore.

I’ve been out and about more, especially on weekends. Even during the times where I only stayed home, I was fine. I was recovering. I was discovering the joy of solitude again. Not because I was forced to (waiting for him to wake up or come see me) but because I want to. I don’t feel lonely when I’m alone…not anymore. Quite ironic considering how lonely I felt even though he was physically beside me during the last few months of the relationship.

With so many positive signs of my moving on, it still hits me like a truck whenever I accidentally come across some updates about him on the Internet, namely on FB. No, I didn’t block him from my Newsfeed because he’s not active person on FB, unlike the previous ex. My heart skips a beat. My jaw clenches. I’ll stare at the particular update for a second longer than I should. Then, I’ll move on to something else. But I’m still affected. My heart constricts in pain a few more times. 5 minutes. 10 minutes. Maybe longer.

I’m left feeling confused all over again.