The big F word, Fear

Many a times, I stopped myself from exploring new things or committing myself to projects out of fear. I fear the unknown, I fear that I am not good enough, I fear that I will make a fool out of myself. Basically, the biggest culprit here is fear.

Frankly, this is so not the nature of a Leo. We are suppose to be extroverts, exploring new things and most importantly…be fearless. I, on the other hand, do not epitomise the nature of a Leo completely. To steal a phrase from a friend, I am a social awkward. And to make things worse, I tend to allow situations and relationships hold me back from doing things I like. I hide behind them and told myself that there will always be a next time. We all know that a next time does not come easily and often. That is why there is a saying, “Time and tide waits for no man“. Yet, I hide behind situations and relationships and allow myself to be too comfortable with it. I know I said I will have no regrets but sometimes, I cannot help but feel a little envious towards my friends who did what I have turned down and live to regret the choices I have made.

Now…now, I am learning to let go of my fears. Mind you, I can still feel fear rearing its ugly head at me whenever I try to turn my back against it and move forward towards things I like and want to do. It is not an easy task but I have positive cheerleaders in my life who have faith in me. They encourage me and know that I can do well in anything I put my mind and heart into. And it is with their help, that I am taking baby steps towards things I am passionate about. There are no more comfortable situations and relationships for me to hide behind. I have no one to answer to but myself now. I am in charge of my life and my life only. There is no longer that special someone to think of and consider.

Thanks to one of these positive cheerleaders, I find myself agreeing to perform in a dance for the upcoming Short+Sweet Malaysia which will take place from 22nd July to 16th August in KLPac. Eh…but if anyone is interested to come see my dance debut in Malaysia’s performing arts scene, then come and watch the performance anywhere from 29th July to 1st August. You have my permission to laugh at me, I promise.

I just hope that I am able to nail down all the steps in time and still look graceful and childlike enough for my part. It has been close to 10 years since I last dance. The last time I perform in front of a crowd was back in Form5 where my young and nubile body is flexible and no love handles were in sight!

Nevertheless, I have always find dancing to be easier than acting. I do not need to worry about forgetting my lines and pronounciation and projecting my voice.

Anyway, here I am, bidding farewell to my fears. I know they will try to return to me time and again but I hope that whenever they come a visiting, I will have enough strength to turn them away and continue plodding forward. Until then, carpe diem!

Update: The name of the dance which I will be performing with 9 other dancers is known as Nunuk Ragang. It is based on a Sabahan legend on the Dusun/Kadazan people.

Sanity over profitability

It’s not everyday that a nice boss or employer comes along.

There are some bosses who are mean and rude. There are some bosses who takes all the credit for work that was done well but treats you as the scapegoat when shit happens. There are some bosses who cannot be bothered with anything. There are some bosses who shout at you constantly. There are some bosses who work you like a dog. There are some bosses who are selfish. And the list goes on. I am pretty sure that everybody has their fair share of bosses from hell to deal with at least at one point in time in their working lives.

Me? I have encountered bad bosses before. Fortunately, these people who made my life hell at work never stayed long and I was eventually spared from further anguish. This time around in my new job, I am rather lucky to have a good boss.

Why would I say that he is good? After all, I have only been working here for a month plus and it is still too soon to come up with a concrete conclusion. The reason is simple, boys and girls. This is one boss who cherish his staff’s sanity over profitability on any chosen day! Tell me, how often do you come across a boss such as him?!

To cut a long story short, I recently had to managed some really difficult clients. Not only did they asked for discounts, they gave us ad-hoc jobs to do which were out of the agreed scope and expect no extra charges on top of that. The timeline was short and when the materials cannot be delivered in time due to their constant irrational rejections on the mocks that were sent to them, my company had to take the blame and bear the extra costs that were incurred along the way. There were malicious attack and many of us had to stay late for a week and half so that we can complete the work in time. Yet, the client kept asking for changes, despite my checking with them time and again to ensure that everything has been approved before we proceed to the next stage.

All these extra ad hoc work and the numerous changes had made me put some work for other clients on hold. Managing this one account has literally taken up all my time. The phone was ringing off the hooks every 5 minutes and I cannot peacefully instruct my designers to make the necessary changes because every phone call was for me!

The stress from handling this one client, plus a careless mistake that my predecessor made (which I have to managed even though I know shit nuts about the head and tail of the campaign), was slowly taking its toll on me. I started venturing into Fluffland ever so often that the whole office can hear me muttering to myself and going, “La, la, la, la, la“. Come to think of it, I am surprised that not one of my colleagues has given me a weird stare at all.

Towards the end bit of the work for that difficult client, the boss asked my colleague and myself into his room to discuss about this particular project. He informed us that should the same client try to engage us fo some other project in the future, we have no choice but to take away our flexibility – both time and work wise – privilege from this client and impose more processes. We are not trying to be difficult to work with here but the client has clearly taken advantage of us due to our flexibility and does not appreciate us at the same time.

There were a whole lot more that was discussed that day but at the end of the discussion, he told my colleague and I that although he tries to strike the balance of sanity and profitability at all times, when push comes to shove, he will also choose sanity over profitability any time.

That was a huge  relief! It just made me want to work harder for him! LOL.

Of work and life

Heh.

I seem to keep breaking promises that I make to myself. I vaguely remember declaring here a while back that I will update this blog more often and once again, I have sort of fallen out of the grid again.

First, Hikayat Merong Mahawangsa (HMM) happened. It was my first involvement in a theatre production and though the stress of being in the production team runs high especially in the last 1.5 months leading up to the premiere of the show, it was a great first experience which I do not think I will ever exchange for something else. I will blog on the experience of HMM in the new future.

Secondly, I started a new job. Yep, left the boutique production house (that is the preferred way that my ex-boss would refer to the company) and joined  a relatively small advertising agency. It is a rather small team here but so far, the experience has been good. The boss is kind and patient, constantly taking the time to explain and teach me things since advertising is a new industry for me. The rest of my colleagues are friendly and do not show irritation even when I ask stupid questions about work. It has been a good 1 month of experience here and I hope that there is many more to come.

Other than HMM and work, life has been rather…quiet in some sense and tumultuos in another. A few things cropped up back in May and it has left me feeling very lonely. These are things that I am not ready to share and tell any of my friends yet and it is tough, holding all the emotions back and putting on a brave front. I know there will be friends who would prefer that I let it out but while I am still working hard on trying to improve the situation, I want to keep things to myself for the time being.

A recent trip to Central Market with a close friend of mine had me coming home feeling reflective about life. We visited a woman who does Ba Tzi reading and her revelations were spot on that it left me stunned and speechless for a while! Now, for those who knows me long enough, they will know that I have never been a believer in fortune telling or necromancy. I have always tutted at such things because I believe that the future can be foretold, then we would all  live our lives to expect the expected. For some strange idea, I did not feel the way I usually did at this Ba Tzi reading.

Based on calculations done on my birthday and birth time, she was able to inform me of my past and present accurately. She did not even look at my palm or did any of those hocus-pocus routines! It was somewhat eerie but a lot of the things she said to me were also more on advices to make me be a better person. However, what stunned me the most was her rough estimate on the timeline of events that had happened in my life and the things that may happen soon, things that I am mentally preparing myself for before I even had her do my Ba Tzi reading. I would be lying if I say that the things she said did not spook me at all and did not contribute to my reflective mode these days. She did spook me and she did made me more reflective on a lot of things in my life these days.

I just hope that things will turn out differently in my personal life from what I have been preparing myself for, that it will be better and I will be happier. On the slight chance that things do turn bad, I pray that I have the strength to stay strong and move on.

Little Alicia & Little Alyssa

Little Alicia is running around in the warung, minding her own business. Weaving in and out of the tables and chairs sprawling in the warung, she occassionally runs back to the table where her father, mother and two brothers are sitting quietly, enjoying their dinner.

After taking another morsel of food from her mother’s plate, off Little Alicia goes to explore the warung. For a 2 year-old, the warung seems a fascinating place for Little Alicia to explore. One never knows what one will encounter at the corner of that table or behind that pakcik carrying food and drinks to the other patrons in the warung.

Dress in a navy blue and white frock with pink shoes and dangling earrings, Little Alicia continues to weave her way around the warung and its patrons, occassionally stopping to stare at a cat or a person that catches her attention. One of her brothers will sometimes join her in her explorations.

Little Alicia is running from the cash register of the warung towards the table where her parents and brothers are seated when she sees another girl who has walked into the warung and is standing a few feet away from her. Little Alicia stops and stares at this other little girl with curly hair and pink shirt and wonders where she came from.

She approaches this other little girl cautiously, looking her up and down while trying to decide if she is a threat or a friend. Unsure of the whole situation, Little Alicia starts moving her arms around, which looks pretty threatening. Any normal girly little girl would have run as far as they can from Little Alicia with her arms waving around looking like tentacles but this particular little girl, Little Alyssa her name is, stand her ground and continue looking at Little Alicia with her head cocked to the right.

At the blink of an eye, in the most unexpected moment, Little Alyssa reaches out and pushes Little Alicia for attempting to bully her away from the warung!Little Alicia took a few steps back, shocked at what just happened! The look on Little Alicia’s face is priceless!

“I will not have this!”, Little Alicia thinks in her little mind. “I’m not going to have another girl push me and walk away scot free!”

Little Alicia is plotting to push Little Alyssa, the same way she was pushed seconds earlier. She takes a step forward with her hand gradually reaching out when her brother, who is smitten with Little Alyssa, steps forward and places himself between the two little girls. He spreads out his arms, preventing Little Alicia from moving forward and executing her plan. During this minor commotion, Little Alyssa turns around and nimbly moves away from the siblings.

When both Little Alicia and her brother realise that Little Alyssa is not around anymore, Little Alicia continue on exploring the warung while her brother look around forlornly, since he lost sight of the little girl who stole his heart. Life it seems, is back to normal once more.

The above is just a little story I thought up after witnessing a few toddlers running around the warung and pushing each other around a few weeks back. I am not too sure if the story was what really happened in their cute little heads but the scenario is too cute not to be shared.

Is it me?

I find myself not doing very well in job interviews these days. I wonder if it is my confidence which is at an all time low or the positions that I have applied for? I seemed to have lost the zest for interviews and work.

When faced with an opportunity to take on a big challenge, is it just the inferioty complex in my talking which made me shy away from those opportunities? Or am I just plain lazy? Is my reason, “not having any sort of guidelines”, appropriate for me to turn away?

I’m feeling quite emo at the moment. Where is the ambitious drive that drove me to excelled in the things I did previously? What is happening with me these days?!

Job Interview

I’ve been looking for a new job for quite a while now. The reason behind the job hunt is sort of a long story which I have chosen to skip for the time being. Anyway, long story short, I have put myself into the job market. Again.

To make matters worse, Mum found out about my job situation. Now, I know she meant well when she tries to dish out advises on what to look out for for the next job but boy, do I feel thoroughly annoyed. It’s bad enough that I’m pretty stressed out about trying to secure a good paying job which I don’t mind doing for the next few years, especially in bad times like this, Mum has to add on the pressure with her constant nagging on my inability to strap myself down with a proper job for long. I know it is just Mum being Mum but frankly, her criticism or duty being a mother is gradually eroding my confidence.

Anyway, after job hunting for nearly a month, I finally secured an interview for myself yesterday. I did my best to prepare myself for it by researching on the company and the industry it belongs to. The bad news while doing my research? I cannot find much information about the company itself. Not from its own corporate website, not from any other links. All I knew about the company is its MSC-status and how they pride themselves in being the leaders of marketing research for mobile platform and websites.

Guess what? The answers I found on the company are pretty misleading. Firstly, they are looking for someone with a technical background, namely IT. As an Account Executive, the person they’re looking for should not only know client servicing and relationship management, but also be able to do html and stuff like that. I was told that my only advantage in securing the position was my PR background.

Next, I was asked if I had any questions for them. I did. They explained what their company actually does and almost immediately, I had a bad vibe about the synergy in that company. For one, they do not deal in marketing research, which they actually publicise in their website. Secondly, they pride themselves as the leading e-business solutions provider. Cut the jargon, what they actually do is help design websites for corporate companies from the beginning to the end. Thirdly, as a company whose main income lies mainly, if not solely on creating and maintaining pages and pages of websites for corporates, its own website is a flop.

I told my interviewers that before I came for the interview, I was doing research to help me understand the core business of the company and how I got a better idea after they had explained it to me. One of the interviewers actually laughed sheepishly and said that their company website does not contain a lot of information. The other interviewer quipped up saying that they were trying to assemble a group of people internally to handle their corporate website but all of them were caught up with work and sort of put the tweaking of their own website on hold. I came away feeling unimpressed with it.

Considering the basis of its business, one would have thought that they would have taken much time, energy and resources to ensure that their own website is at its tip top condition. But that is not the case. I came home feeling slightly demotivated about the whole thing.

At first, I thought I was a snob for feeling and thinking the way I did. However, after bringing it up with the bf, I realised that it was ok for me to feel the way I did. The bf even suggested that the company may actually be the main contractor for works like that and all other work i.e. designing team, etc, are actually sub-contracted out to other companies, which explains greatly about their own website. I’m not sure if the bf may be right about this but if, and that is a BIG if, the company decides to offer me the position, I doubt I’ll take on the position. I just do not see myself working there and doing the sort of work required of me for a long period of time.

Talentime by Yasmin Ahmad

Note: This is not a movie review. However, there may be spoilers ahead. Read at your own risk.

The bf and I recently went and watched Talentime, 2-3 days after its released in local cinemas. It was a much deserved break for the bf and a chance for the both of us to spend some quality time together. Also, the both of us are Yasmin Ahmad’s fan and could not resist not going for Talentime.

This is the first time in a really long time since I last catch a movie WITHOUT reading the synopsis first. Also, based on the teasers that I have seen on TV so far, I naively had the impression that Talentime would be light-hearted movie. Boy, was I proven wrong.

Ladies and gentlemen, this IS a Yasmin Ahmad movie. Her movies are always guaranteed to be dramatic and contain heavy social themes that plague multicultural societies like Malaysia, despite the sporadic comedic relief peppered in Talentime. Anyway, my naivety aside, I was thoroughly surprised at the themes that were explored in Talentime. Let’s just say that I left the cinema close to tears at how things turned out for some of the characters in the movie.

True to Yasmin Ahmad’s style, one can always find the theme of  inter-racial relationship explored in her movies, as shown in Talentime. However, the relationship contains a new twist that most major filmmakers will shy away from – the protagonist is deaf AND mute. However, the core theme that was explored this time around was race. The prejudice, the stigmatisation, the clashes, the fights, the deaths in the movie were all based on race issues and some of them were based on true events i.e. the clash and fight between the Indians and Malays which caused the death of Mahesh ’s uncle.

There were also several scenes in the movie that sounded and looked too familiar. In fact, I’m pretty sure that all of us would have experienced such things at least once in our lifetime, if not more. There was one particular scene where the mother of the boy, who came from an Indian family, was ranting about the injustices that Malay folks in general dish out to the people from other races. The rant was a familiar speech that I had seen and heard from friends and families for many years, especially of late.

The one scene that hits a sore spot for me is the prejudice that Datin Kalsom showed towards Aunty Mei Ling. Aunty Mei Ling may be a Chinese but she is a Muslim. Datin Kalsom, without knowing that Aunty Mei Ling is Muslim, made many insensitive remarks to both Aunty Mei Ling and the Harith family, which shown her to be a prejudicial, racist and uneducated person. It was only after Mrs Harith explained Aunty Mei Ling’s background did Datin Kalsom appeared to look embarrassed at her non-factual remarks.

One of the main reasons why this particular scene made me feel as if my stomach has been punched real hard and I’m out of breath was because I will be in Aunty Mei Ling’s position in the near future. If I were to marry the bf, I have no choice but to convert and try to adopt the Islamic lifestyle. Other Malays and Muslims who does not know that I’m Muslim then, may and will probably react the way Datin Kalsom did towards me because in their eyes, I will be 100% Chinese.

That aside, I thought Yasmin Ahmad really bite the bullet and air all racial issues as it is, without trying to make light of these issues that are so real in our world. The bf and I could relate to the movie in so many levels because more than half the issues and themes explored, are actual events that we are facing right now.

Overall, Talentime is definitely food for thought. I still think about the issues that were brought up in it up to this day.

New look for the blog

Hi, there!

If you’ve been a regular visitor to this blog for the past couple of years, you’ll notice that I’ve just changed the theme for it to something lighter and soothier to the eyes. The colour scheme is still green as it reminds me greatly of the environment.

As a part of the changes that this blog will be undergoing, I’ll be playing around with the position of the widgets and finally start putting things into pages for easy browsing. Thus, do bear with me if you’re annoyed with the display of things right now. I promise everything will be sorted out as soon as I can.

Thanks for sticking around!

I nearly broke a boy’s thumb in kindergarten

Date: Somewhere in the second half of 2006

Venue: One of the tutorial classes in Murdoch University, Perth.

Unit: Children & the Media

Question posted by tutor (also my lecturer): What’s the first thing that comes to your mind when someone asks you about your childhood?

Answer: I nearly broke a boy’s thumb when I was in kindy.

Brutal, isn’t it? I guess I was a bit of the little terror when I was a kid. Frankly though, the whole incident was a result from an accident.

I don’t know how most people are as a kid. I, for one, have absolutely no patience for boys. Sure, I’d think a boy is cute or hensem but other than that, I find them annoying most of the time. I guess it didn’t help that my kindy class were dominated by girls and some of the boys in our class were just whimps. Heh.

There is this one particular boy in my year that had all the girls gushing over him. According to Mum, he was officially the cutest boy in the whole kindy. I think I still have a picture of him somewhere (he was my dance partner in the kindergarten concert) but honestly, I don’t remember how he looks like without the picture to jolt my memory. It’s been over 20 years now, yet, I still remember his name – Mr Khoo Willie.

Khoo Willie was not only in the same year as I was, but he was also my classmate. I remember a few girls in my class who have crushes on him and will always jostle around so that they get to sit beside him in class. Thankfully, I was not one of them. I let them jostle all they want while I promptly sat my cute lil butt down with my friends who equally have no patience for boys, or Khoo Willie in this case.

One fine day, halfway during a class activity, 2 of my girlfriends and I needed to use the loo urgently. Now, our kindergarten was actually operated in a double storey terrace house, which means that our class had an adjoining bathroom to the class next door. The 3 of us rushed to the bathroom before any sort of “accident” happened to either of us. One girlfriend, A, ran ahead and locked the door to the other classroom while the other,  B, ran to the toilet bowl so that she could use it first. As I turned around to close the door to our classroom, I noticed that Khoo Willie was standing just outside the door and wanted to go into the bathroom with us because he needed to use the loo too! No way was I ever going to let him in – the only boy with 3 other girls – into the bathroom with us! I told the boy off and said something along the lines of, “Ewww! You’re a boy! You cannot come in with us!”. A heard me and came to my rescue where the both of us promptly push Khoo Willie out of the bathroom and slammed the door shut at his face. Thinking triumphantly that we had succeeded in getting rid of a slimy, smelly boy (we were 5 then, all boys are slimy and smelly!), A and I took turns to use the toilet while B stood near the door waiting for us.

After flushing the toilet and washing our hands, we opened to the door in order to return to class only to find Khoo Willie sobbing quietly beside the door. I was all prepared to start scolding him when either A or B noticed that his thumb was placed on the door frame and it was bleeding! We started to panic and made quite a spectacle out of the whole thing. Our  teacher rushed to the scene to check on Khoo Willie and was horrified at what happened to him! A, B and I were all crying quite hard by then. I don’t know about the other 2 but at that moment, I was scared shitless. I thought I’d broken Khoo Willie’s thumb and all the girls in kindy will hate me for it!

It took quite a while for our teacher to get our testimonies out. She managed to piece the story together and realised that when A and I pushed Khoo Willie out of the bathroom, he was holding on the door frame with his thumb positioned in the groove of the frame when we slammed the door at him. I was guilt ridden for the rest of the day and perhaps the day after next too. I remembered wanting to do something to make it up to him and let him know how sorry I was to have hurt his thumb, even though it was an accident. However, as quickly as the incident happened, it was also quickly forgotten. The short attention span of a child ma.

That’s it. That was the story of how I nearly broke a boy’s thumb when I was in kindy. Thinking back, I’m really surprise at how Khoo Willie did not end up bawling his eyes out when his thumb was stuck between the frame and the door. Any ordinary kid would. All he did was sobbed quietly and patiently waited for us to open the door so that he could freed his thumb. The boy sure was brave and for that, I guess I respected him a little back in kindy. I think I was more relieved that his mother did not come barging into the kindy and threatened to hurt me for hurting her son.

I’ve never seen Khoo Willie after kindy ended that year. From what I heard, his family moved to KL and had settled there ever since. Truth be told, whenever I recall this story, I do wonder how he’s doing and if he ever remembered that 3 little girls nearly broke his thumb in kindy.

Quote #9

Whether you are blessed with soulmates…Or with those who walk with you for just a little while, not one of these friends crosses your path by chance. Each is a messenger sent by God, to give you the wisdom, companionship, comfort, or challenge your need for a particular leg of your spiritual journey. – Traci Mullins